Addict

Part Two- Sam

It's Monday. Man I hate Monday's. Last night, I slept at Sam's house. I can't say that I liked it.

Sam and I used to be a thing. She was my first relationship. We had a weird start actually. I was just staying at her house for a few days, and she told me that she was a lesbian, and that's when I came out. Sam was the first person who knew. And we both just connected, I guess cause we were open with each other first. But we just talked, and that led into a kiss. She kissed me, I wouldn't have done it that early, considering that we weren't dating, but I wouldn't change that part of my past or anything. It was perfect. I asked her out a few days later. I don't know, it was just easy for me to love her. And everyone was supportive. But I wouldn't have cared if they were or not. There was something about her that I was just drawn to. It was a combination of a million things. Little things. I don't know, Sam had this way of making everything deeper. She could look at a grey sky, and find a galaxy within the clouds. She would see a weed, and feel bad for it because no one liked it, but it had worked just as much to grow as a rose. She saw me, and recognized beauty. She looked at something, and didn't stop until she found something brilliant in it. And I admired that. She hated first impressions, and took time to admire everyone's beauty. She thought I was smart, even though I'm failing in school. She understands that I am genius, just not a typical genius. A silent one. And I fell in love with that.

She and I, it was a perfect love story. We didn't fight. We didn't have the usual relationship "Ups and downs" we were just up, all the time. But somewhere in that one and half year she said to have loved me, I fell out of her heart. I don't know what I did to lose her, because I don't think I myself had changed. She did though. I had seen it months before she left me, but I still loved her. She told me, that her feelings had just faded, that it was her, not me. But I don't feel like that's true. I don't believe in that. Because when you're in love, I feel like you should go through hell and back again to make the love last. And if it wasn't me, and you were truly in love, why wouldn't you try to change you, to save us? I can't change it though, and it's not like all the crying I knew I'd do in private would change her decision to leave me. So I told her, that her happiness was my main priority, until the day I die, so if her leaving me meant she'd be happy, then I'd let her go. And she left.

I was heart broken. And that's what got me into drinking and pot. All I wanted to do was get rid of the way I felt when we weren't in love. I couldn't get over it on the surface yet. Somehow, she managed to take it really well, which opens my eyes up to how much she "loved me," and within a week, she was with this girl, Natasha. So she got over me pretty quick. So I used the same faking skills I did on my moms, and pretended that I wasn't still in love with Sam. But I was. And I still am, two years later. Which is why staying at her house is torture.

She and Natasha are together still, but within the years they've been " them" , they must have broken up and gotten back together at least four times. Doesn't sound healthy to me, but no one is forced to stay in a relationship. Otherwise, Sam and I, would still be Sam and I.

It was really awkward at first. Seeing Sam around the park, because we both knew I was still in love, but over time it's gotten easier I guess. I stay at her house still, hence me being her now, but if I'm being real, I hate it. Why? Because it's Natasha in her bed...and me on her couch.

Natasha graduated early last semester, so she doesn't go to school, obviously. Sam and I are in some of the same classes, so that makes it worse, because she talked to me about her a Natasha all the time, and it makes me cringe. I'm glad she's happy, but her happiness makes my hell. She can't know that though. Whatever.

She and I studied together yesterday, and for a minute, it felt like we never ended. But at five-fourteen her phone rang, and it was Natasha, wanting her baby to come home from where we were, and just like that, Sam put away her school things, left our study spot (The trailer park playground) and went home.

I'll get over her at some point. I got to. If you spend your whole life wanting something you can't have, are you living a life, or are you living in a fantasy?