Sin City

21

*TW extreme violence*
* not edited*

I saw it, as clear as day...how beautiful our child was in the eyes of an angel. I saw her tiny little hands, her blonde hair and emerald eyes, just like her father's.
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I smile giddily at Sam as he pours me a cup of coffee from the steaming pot.

"Tell me again." he said, walking towards me.

"Sam, I already did, it's no big deal, everything is okay now, the key is broken and your dad is probably down there withering away from his own misery." I laughed, grabbing the mug from his hands, "thanks by the way." I smiled, gesturing to the mug before taking a large sip.

"And our...child, are you sure?" he asked hesitantly, eyes full of hope and happiness.

I take a moment to remember the disbelief I was in after looking at what the future held for us before nodding slightly, the corners of my mouth lifting up in a comforting smile.

He plops down on the couch relieving a big sigh as he takes my hand into his.

"I love you, you know that right?" he said, squeezing my hand, "yes, i know, and i love you even more." I laughed. It all felt like a dream, something only your thoughts experience from time to time as you zone out, staring into space.

I couldn't perceive the warm feeling bubbling inside of me, the mere thought that I escaped the mental torture that tied me down all my life was bewildering. It kept making me believe that I was nothing but a lost cause in a world full of happiness, sadness, success, failure, and sins. Sins that weighed more than the good deeds you desperately piled up to enter the gates of heaven after decades of wrongdoing, sins that were light and innocuous at first but equalled to the punishment of a murderer in the afterlife as you grew up, and sins that you had to suffer the consequences of even when you weren't the one doing them.

For days I couldn't tell if it was a sunny day with a ball of sunshine spilling through the clouds of the beautiful blue-y sky, I couldn't tell if the fog covered the city as the raindrops washed away the emotions of our people, carrying them in a small trail right into the sewers as I was trapped within the four walls of my small apartment, covering the windows with the blinds that showed me the truth of the reality I was living in. I wanted to remain in denial as it protected me from the truth, providing me with a short-lasting feeling of relief as I lacked the bandwidth of facing what was yet to come my way.

I tried to save myself, but the pain grew unbearable, cuffing me by my ankles and dragging me with so much force until I sunk into the deepest pits of the ocean, where my grief and sorrows awaited me, eager to swallow the very last bit of light that still shone above me. I was in the shallow water for the longest time with a tight throat and a knot in my stomach, a feeling so unexplainable, almost as if there was no escape to it...a dead end.

I grew more and more disappointed in myself once the realisation that I was wasting my time wallowing in distress instead of facing the fear of loneliness dawned upon me. Trying to find a way to keep my head above water wasn't an option for me as I was terrified of being abandoned by my loved ones again. I broke the promise my mother always whispered in my ear right before I went to bed, almost as if she knew where her story ended, preparing me from when I was a child.

"Always face your fears Sophia, never leave room for bad memories dear.."

Never leave room for bad memories....

"Sophia"

Bad memories..

"Sophia" Sam called out, holding my hand with so much worry on his face, "You zoned out and started crying, tell me...what happened love?" he cooed, squeezing my hand reassuringly. I shook my head in dismissal, placing the cup of coffee on the table before going up to wash my face.