Sparkle Peterson is a woman trying to navigate life all the while trying to maintain her boundaries and learning that no one has the 🔑 to happiness. Through this journey she comes across people, places and things that can either help or hinder her...
Today I was placed on suicide watch ☹ I miss him so much; Shamar doesn't want to accept the fact I am where he is supposed to be. We have been through so much; like for instance, the birth and death of our son, which I still cannot come to grips with. That day, I remember like it was yesterday, I couldn't get in contact with him to let him know that I was in active labor and on my way to delivery our baby. When he showed up towards the evening, our son was already deceased and laying in the bassinet in the room with me. He didn't want to stay with me because his grandma died in the same exact hospital. I wanted to be selfish and tell him I didn't care because I just delivered our son and I had to watch my first-born child die in my arms alone. I allowed him to go home while I just laid in the fetal position, crying, and praying for strength. The funeral arrangements were done by my mother because I couldn't come to grips with him being gone and I felt like I failed as a woman. Shamar never wanted to admit that I was his woman, he just enjoyed the idea that I was always around. I was too available to him, and I knew it, I just had blinders on when it comes to him. Tonight, let me know that when I stayed at his home, and his mother came in looking at me like I was hurting her. She started cursing me out and walking towards me with her hands raised ready for combat. I do not know when she hit me, but I felt it and I flipped out on her. I lost it! We were fighting each other like we never shared the same space before and I was going to tear her ass up for old and new. I didn't hear Shamar, but I felt when he pulled his mother away from me. He was so upset, with me for fighting his mother but she swung first, and I went into survival mode. Kendra never liked me, even when she found out I was pregnant. Today, it all came to a head, and I was already at a low point with losing our child and to have this woman attack me because she thinks I was just finessing her son, which was not the case. He picked me up, took me upstairs and had his mother leave. I was in the fetal position on his king-sized sleigh bed, crying hysterically and in so much pain from the fight and 2 weeks postpartum. He tried to comfort me, and I wasn't having it, I rather him call my mother. He called my mother Carinthia and explained to her what happened. I was in my own thoughts until I heard her call my name (he put her on speakerphone) "Yes, momma!" between tears and sniffling, "I'm coming now" my mother told me. I had to get up to see how my face looked because she did land a few. Once I got in the bathroom and I looked in the mirror I saw both sides of my face were bruised and my jaw was swollen so I couldn't wash the blood off my face, like I wanted. I opened the medicine cabinet and saw his anxiety medication and took it out, opened it and took way too many. I turned the shower on got in and let the hot water crash into my aching muscles and that's the last thing I remember.
Sometimes I am so ready to allow myself to create others demise because of how they treated me, but how I remember my mother's voice always resonates in my head, "Do not allow someone to alter your intentions. They may act like they have no home training doesn't mean you have to act the same". I cannot believe that I have gotten to a place where I allowed a person to alter my intentions, it's sad! The fact that I was so engrossed in a man is pathetic, I was so into him I lost sight of my own goals and aspirations. I have no one to blame but myself, I have allowed my emotions to take control of my actions. I woke up several hours later at Gilbert Liberty Behavioral being wheeled into the building on a gurney towards intake. I wish that I could get a better hold of my anxiety and depression, but I have 3 weeks to learn a new coping mechanism. Yes, I admitted myself for 3 weeks, good thing I am on maternity leave, and I am receiving my short-term disability and I have a few thousand in savings for bills...
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