heart over brain

Part 19

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I know I should go home now, but I don't. I get back inside the room and sit down on the couch, stare ahead into nothing.

Alone.

Time passes and slips away from me. Eventually it dawns on me that I left my cat alone at home again. But this time I don't even have a phone with me to call Elly to take care of him.

I am terrible. Absolutely terrible. Authorities should come and take Elvis away from me. I don't deserve to take care of him. No, apparently I can't. I am not capable of the responsibility. My brain is fried, I am crazy beyond all reason. The moment Max is involved, I go out of business. Even now I can't bring myself to get up from that couch and go home. I know I have to, I can't leave my cat to starve, but I don't want to go.

I want to curl up on the couch and wait for Max to come back.

God, please come back.

I cry. 

Bitterly. 

Cry, until no more tears come out. Only then can I bring myself to stand up.

All the bus ride home my heart is in turmoil.

I can't leave.

I can't leave.

I can't leave.

But I left and it wrecks me. My heart aches like a piece was ripped out of it. Like I lost the most important thing in the world. No matter how ridiculous it is.

And it is ridiculous.

I barely know Max.

Just enough to understand what a horrible man he is.

And how broken I am. 

I drag myself up the stairs to my apartment, come to a sudden halt at the last flight. Police officers are standing in front of my door. They see me, I see them, I still consider for a second to run. I don't. "H-Hello?"

"Hannah Forbs?" one man says.

I nod.

They let me pass without many words or explanations, just remain standing out there.

I close the door, cuddle Elvis to death, cry in his fur until he scratches me, then give him food.

When a knock sounds from the door, I am not prepared. 

It is the policewoman who interrogated me before, Officer Stark. She stands in front of my flat like glued to the door mat with arms crossed over her chest and lips pursed right before a scolding. For a long moment we both stare at each other and say nothing. She breaks the silence first.

"I have to ask you to come to the station with me."

"Alright," I say but catch myself shaking my head. I don't want to deal with her. I don't want to deal with any of this.

I ride the backseat of a police car the second time in a day. I borrow the woman's phone to call Elly. In short, quiet words I explain nothing at all and ask her to take care of Elvis – forever. He is innocent and doesn't deserve to be hurt by crazy me. He is better off without me. Everyone is better off without me.

"Do you want to eat first? I can have something arranged," Officer Stark says as we enter the police building and go through the security checks.

"I am not hungry." I feel sick just by the idea of eating.