Alone - Volume 01 {English Edition}

8. Anxiety and Despair

November 20, 2022

I wake up with my phone full of notifications, I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and wash my face. I go back and pick up my phone and I see I have over 190 Twitter messages, I find this very strange, so I open the app and see what I never wanted to see. Thousands of messages from people who will see what was leaked (My messages with the Boy). I start reading some messages and each one I read, I felt my heart racing, until one hour I started to feel short of breath, and my vision was starting to blur. My hand starts to shake and I accidentally drop my phone on the floor, I go to the bathroom and wet my face in the sink, but it doesn't solve it, so that's when I realized I was having an anxiety attack, I leave my room and go towards the kitchen and I see Miguel and my father talking, when I'm almost getting to the kitchen, my vision blurs more, and I feel my strength going away more and more, then I fell to the floor almost passed out. Before I close my eyes I hear Miguel, screaming.

- Lucas !

....

I open my eyes and see that I'm in a hospital bed, I see Miguel at my side playing with his cell phone. I try to get up and he hangs up the phone and talks to me.

- Hey, calm down, don't move too much, you must still be out of strength - He says, helping me to stand up a little.

- Why am I here? - I ask almost without voice.

- You passed out, hit your head very hard on the ground. Doctors think you had a panic attack. - he answers.

- Not really, that was an anxiety attack - I say, and lie back down and look up thoughtfully.

- Look who's awake! - My dad says coming in with a Burger King bag

- Hi dad - I say and sit down.

- I brought this for you, you must be hungry - He says handing the bag to Miguel.

Miguel gets a snack and a soft drink each. I start to eat more so that halfway through I can talk to my father.

- Dad, when am I going to get out of here, and where's my cell phone? - I ask

- Your cell phone is charging at home, and you will only leave here when the doctors see that you are already well enough to be home - He replies

"I'm fine, let me go home" I say.

- Lucas, you had an anxiety attack. The last time you had this was 12 years old, to be exact, that was 3 years ago and now it's back worse than before - he says holding my hand.

- Okay, right - I say and see that a doctor is coming towards my room.

- Mr. Ferreira, even though you woke up - The doctor says entering the room.

- So doctor, when will he be discharged? - my dad says getting up.

- Well, I'm just going to see if he's okay, if he has he can leave now, otherwise he'll still stay - The Doctor says taking a paper and a pen. - Is Lucas feeling pain in any part of his body? - he asks seeing behind my head.

- No, normally I feel headaches, but now I don't feel anything. - I say

The Doctor spends 3 minutes asking me questions about the pain and some things about anxiety. After several questions, he finally puts his pen and papers away and talks to my dad.

- So, Mr. Lucas is fine, obviously this is not a confirmation that the anxiety is over, he can feel it sometimes, and that's why I'm going to prescribe a medicine for anxiety. - He says.

- So he's discharged? - my dad asks, as he gets up.

- Yes, I'm just going to sign some papers and I'll be right back, but for now Lucas can change them in the bathroom. - He says, handing over my clothes.

I get up and go change in the bathroom that is next to my bed, I change and put the hospital clothes on top of the bed. As soon as I leave the hospital, I see my father in the car and Miguel leaning against the car while he plays with his cell phone. We get in the car and go home. On the way I'm just thinking about what I'm going to say to the boy, who obviously must have already read the messages.

••••

We finally arrive home, Miguel and my father enter the house and stay in the living room. I walk towards my room, throw the bag with my dirty clothes on the bed, and go to the laptop, click on the Boy's profile and start writing a message.

[Dear Unknown Boy

I'm pretty sure you've already seen the leaked messages, and I want you to know it wasn't me, I swear on everything. I actually have no idea how they got these messages, at least I must have been hacked or whatever, a thousand apologies. I really hope this doesn't affect our friendship. I await your reply.

Love, Lucas]

After I finish writing, I analyze it and create the courage to send it. After a long time thinking I finally send the message. Before I can think of anything, I'm surprised by Miguel walking into the room.

- Lucas can I talk to you? - He asks

- Can, what is it? - I say closing the notebook very hard.

- Look, I didn't say anything to you today because I know it was being difficult for you, but I want you to know that I.... - He was about to finish but was interrupted by myself.

- Did you read the leaked messages? Yeah, I already knew, anyone has Twitter these days. - I say

- Yeah - he says and opens a short smile - look I don't know how to make motivational speeches, that's why I won't make one for you. But I want you to know that it doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, bi or even tri. You will always be my brother, and I will always love you. - He finishes and goes to hug me with his eyes full of tears.

Since Lizzy left, Miguel has been doing everything to help me and without a doubt this has been a huge amount of psychological help, Miguel is becoming Lizzy 2.0, and I'm really enjoying it.

- I'll watch later come here - he says and leaves the room with a cute smile.

As soon as he leaves, he plays a Twitter notification, I rush to read it.

[Dear Freddy (Or using his original name, Dear Lucas)

You don't need to apologize, it wasn't your fault. I didn't want to do this anymore, we can't keep talking. I enjoyed every moment with you (In case it wasn't obvious: you soothed me with your words). I do owe you an apology, a thousand apologies Lucas, but this is necessary.

For One Last Time: Love, Boy Unknown.]

I finish reading with my eyes full of tears, I turn off the laptop and lie down on the bed and cry with my face on the pillow for a long time, until for a second I realize that I'm sleeping.

••••

Continued in the Penultimate Chapter