TOUCH [ seongjoong ]

listen

"hey yunho? im ready to talk."

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yunho looked up to me with a comforting smile. he kicked mingi out of their shared room and waved me over to his bed. 

once i sat he gave me a look that showed he was expecting me to talk any second. i wanted to cry again but i pushed the feeling deep down.

"this is so hard to say." i started. yunho just kept looking at me as if he'd listen forever, which I'm sure he would. he was always good at listening. 

"okay... I've came to terms with something recently and its really hard. its something that i never wanted to happen but it was out of my control. i..." i continued.

"you like hongjoong" he finished for me. i looked up at him with my eyes wide open. i slowly nodded and buried myself in my hands. he pulled me into an embrace and rubbed my back slowly, drawing random shapes and patterns to calm me down. 

"how did you know..?" i asked as he pulled away and removed my hands so he could face me. "i see the way you look at him. i saw last night when he touched your shoulder and you quickly looked away while blushing. the way you don't want to face him anymore. all of it hwa." 

that was my breaking point. here i was crying again like a baby. i hit myself a couple times on the head with a closed fist. "hey hey hey. hwa stop it." yunho said while pulling my hand away from my head. "if him knowing is what you're worried about just know i didn't tell him and you know how clueless he can be." i laughed a little at his words and looked back up at him. 

"what if he finds out and is disgusted?" i asked worryingly. yunho's expression changed to a confused one. "why would he be disgusted? he was so supportive when wooyoung and san announced they were together and he continues to be. he's also supportive with whatever the hell mingi and i have going on. he even sometimes tries to get us together." he said while laughing a bit. my expression softened a bit at the blondes words. "i can't confirm he is gay but i know he is very supportive and wouldn't find it disgusting at all." i didn't know what to feel at this point. yunho was right that hongjoong wouldn't find me disgusting but there always is that other worry that stuck around. 

'does hongjoong like guys?'

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the rest of the day i forced myself to hang out with everybody. including hongjoong. it was our weekly movie night in the household. these past couple of weeks I've been skipping them and staying in me and hongjoong's room but tonight i promised myself i would join. i looked at the couch where everyone sat. yunho and mingi sat cuddled up together and so was san and wooyoung. jongho and yeosang sat close and hongjoong sat by himself next to an empty spot. 

my spot.

the arrangements for seating were the same every week. it wasn't a spoken rule or anything, but everyone always sat next to the people who they were closest to.

 i slowly slipped onto the couch next hongjoong and brought my knees to my chest waiting for the movie to start. 

"nice for you to join us" hongjoong whispered in my direction. my face started to heat up and i turned to look out the window ignoring what he said. his shoulder brushed against mine and i melted. i hated how easy it was for him to do that. just by the simple brush of our shoulders. 

the movie that played that night was a comedy that everybody seemed to enjoy. everybody but me. i would've normally loved it but with hongjoong so close i couldn't focus on the film that played on the screen. i tried my best to pretend to be interested to not show that i was eternally freaking out. 

out of the corner of my eye i could catch reassuring glances from yunho. ones that seemed to keep me sane. 

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once the movie was over i looked around to see yunho, wooyoung, and jongho fast asleep. the few remaining carried their roommates back to their rooms leaving hongjoong and i on the couch. 

"did you talk to anybody about what's going on?" the shorter asked breaking the silence. "yeah" i mumbled while picking at my fingers. "that's good... um i just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed anyone to talk to i'm all ears. okay?" he reassured. "not yet hongjoong. maybe never... i don't know its not something i can tell you." i was now looking up at his face. he grabbed both of my hands and held them in his. "whenever you're ready" he said while smiling. a blush formed on my face. 

"now come on let's head to bed."

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