Stray Gods (SLOW UPDATES BUT NOT ABANDONED)

Chapter 33

You couldn't believe that it was already Friday, which meant there were only about two more days left before it was time to go back home again. Being in Jeju had simply been magical. You felt like you had just arrived and yet you also felt like you had been there forever. You hadn't missed home for a second; how could you have? All the boys were here with you, and wherever they were was home to you. The idea of having to go back home wasn't much of an issue, but the idea of returning to college, with essays, exams, and hours of listening, reading and researching, didn't feel as inviting. Although, the fact that you'd see Adam again made things a little less shitty.

It was after dinner that night when you had a rare moment to yourself. All the others had gone back to their rooms, and you decided to walk around the hotel. You liked walking in and around the hotel. It seemed like every time you did, you discovered or noticed something new.

The sun was already setting slightly when you did a lap around the deserted pool. The water was still and reflective like a mirror and you couldn't help but lose yourself staring into it. Suddenly you noticed someone sitting on one of the lounge chairs at the other side of the pool. They were staring into the distance and hadn't noticed you. It wasn't hard to recognise the perfect side profile from where you were standing. You walked over to him, freckles more visible as you got closer.

'Thought you'd be in your room,' you told Felix. He looked up slightly startled and you could just catch his index and middle finger slipping from his wrist.

'Oh hey y/n,' Felix feigned with a smile.

'What's wrong?' you asked. You knew what it meant for him to check his pulse. Felix bit the inside of his lips for a bit looking at you. You knew he wasn't deciding whether he would tell you, but how he would tell you.

'It's not too bad,' he spoke calmly with a small sigh. 'I just always start to feel slightly anxious when I'm not at the clinic for a while...' he admitted.

'Why?' You asked, sitting down next to him. Felix sighed again, his head slightly hanging.

'I know it's a bit stupid, but it just makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, you know? Like, I know I can't help or cure every single animal out there, but still. Not being there for them when they might need me... It makes me feel like I'm failing them,' he spoke softly and carefully, the pain in his voice evident.

'But curing them is not the only thing you do, right? I mean, your entire existence is what regulates fauna in general doesn't it?' you repeated the words he had once spoken to you.

'True, and I know I can't keep every animal alive either. It Wouldn't be good for the planet. But still. The idea of them, out there, possibly suffering...' Felix sighed. His expression looked pained. 'I wish I didn't have the need for sleep or food, so I could just work around the clock, you know, treat as many animals as I could. But I just can't. I hate that there's only so much I can do. Hate that even though I can often easily tell what's wrong, I can't always help them the way I wish I could. I just feel like it's never quite enough. Never quite good enough.' The way his voice broke at the end made your heart break, but you knew better.

'Felix,' you said his name softly, putting your hand on his leg, waking him up from his thoughts. He looked up at you, eyes gleaming wet. 'You do enough. You are enough,' you told him softly. He cast his eyes down but you weren't having it. 'No Felix, it's true. Honestly, you're starting to sound like Channie,' you tried to joke, squeezing his leg softly. He looked up at you. 'Aren't you always telling him he needs to learn to let go?' you reprimanded him. Felix swallowed and looked away ashamed. 'Felix, honestly, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, for any of you. Carrying the world like that on your shoulders? That's not nothing. Everything you do or say is important to the world, feeling like there is not a moment where you can relax or slack off, because you have to be perfect, because there's an entire world out there relying on your performance, expecting something from you, expecting you to help them, fix them, do the right thing. That burden would destroy any normal person if they weren't as strong as you are. You might be a god, but you're still Felix. My Felix,' you spoke softly, taking his hand into yours now. It was soft and slightly cold. He looked up at your last words, a tear rolling down his cheek. 'I know you've been working your ass off for the last four years, heck the last centuries and you've never complained, you've always been there for others, barely ever taking a break. It's impressive, Lix. It's more than that. You're strong. One of the strongest people I've ever met,' you told him seriously. Another tear slid down his beautiful freckles and you resisted the urge to cry with him. 'Please, you're enough. You do enough. You're not letting anyone down.' you tried to assure him. Felix nodded silently and you wrapped your arms around his neck hugging him. He hugged you back, snaking his arms around you and held you close. You could hear him sniffle a few times and couldn't stop your own eyes from tearing up anymore.