My Clarity

Chapter twenty one

Jack's suite was built only for a single occupancy, and it was far too late to go to the Pursers office to see about a vacant stateroom for the two of them, nor would it be proper. Even with his intentions to marry Rose DeWitt Bukater now that she was a single, unattached woman, he wasn't about to debauch her reputation by sharing a room with her for all of society to know about, and so, he had to leave her with the family but it was inevitable she would leave that very day, or so he hoped. It was all that he could do, put trust and faith into the situation and hope that it would be right in the end.

Fury wouldn't be a big enough word to describe Hockley's reaction and Jack was prepared for a war of some kind, if not now, but once they arrived in New York. A brandy did nothing to relax his weary body, and so, he had written a small note and pressed it beneath the door of Molly Brown's stateroom to keep her abreast of the situation and to trust her with absolute discretion whichever way Rose decided to turn, he would like her to be safe. Turning to the open door of the stateroom, Jack took a very hesitant few steps into the darkness. His body was still trembling from evening; how beautiful Rose had been beneath her clothes and as much as he could lay with her right then, he also cared deeply for her innocence. For a man deemed to be such a scandalous and thoughtless rake, he was very much thinking of Rose's reputation and feelings at every single second. Even though none of the scandals were strictly true, he had never quashed them for that would make him just as bad as the gossips and also, it would appear that he cared of his reputation; he didn't.

It was strange, but with all the problems that he faced, the thing that kept him from sleeping was the question of whether or not Rose DeWitt Bukater could grow to love him, and could he ever feel more than fondness for her? He had told herself that love was a luxury for most people, that his career was a difficult one, and he had been faced with an impossible choice. He had done what he'd thought best at the time. Perhaps it had been wrong of at certain times and perhaps even now, it would be worse...

Hockley was not a man who took lightly to losing anything, especially not the woman who was to be his wife in just a few weeks' time. Jack knew Hockley wouldn't wish to fail in his endeavours to secure the finest wife, even if it did come with a ton of debt as Rose had described. However much the creditors needed, Jack would pay to keep them at bay and to ensure that Mrs. DeWitt Bukater would be left with at least her good name, regardless of the scandal Rose's marriage to him would be, at least her mother would be away from it all. It was a lot for any man to take on, but if there was a fondness for the catch then why should that matter? Although Mrs. Dewitt Bukater had been nothing less than cold towards him, she wasn't even a thought in the process of his wishing to marry her daughter.

Perhaps after sleeping on such matters, Rose would come to some conclusion that his proposal wouldn't be enough and that sacrificing her entire life and the contents would cause resentment, misery...or, maybe, she would come to him in the morning, with a suitcase in her hand and naivety in her eyes but enough solid strength to take him on as a husband, when he had no clue how to even conduct himself as anything other than a single man. A single man who had only ever had himself to contend with. When he was displeased, he liked to participate in physical pursuits, when he was tired, he could still rarely sleep. A man who had decided long ago that he would never have a child and since Rose had mentioned carrying his baby, it had been a strong image at the forefront of his mind. Did she wish to have children? Could he cope with an infant, one which he had sworn would never be born for fear of living under such scrutiny in the world of society just as he had these last few years and Rose had for the entire course of her life. Or could a child be raised without solid walls and furnishings and be out in the country air as he had been as a boy? Could a child be a blessing for them? Could he love the infant the way that he was sure Rose would as a mother? The thoughts unsettled him more than he thought could be possible, and not because he had never thought of himself as a father, but because now, he was in the picture with Rose and a child. Good Lord, he was racing ahead of his own mind...tiredness must be consuming him. It was ridiculous.