Five Hargreves-"i can't keep going"

6. relapse

Warning: self harm

Five's pov:

I woke up the next morning, i remembered the events of last night. The nightmare and crying, Diego too.

The tears from last night were sticky and dry on my face, my hair was messy, my eyes bloodshot red. I decided to take a shower, i made my way into my bathroom that was conected to my room. But then i remembered that i needed clothes so i speed-wallked to my dresser, taking a pair of black sweatpants, a white hoddie and some socks. I walked into the bathroom again, locking the door. So no one would see me showering. I turned on the hot water. While the water was warming up, i took the time to brush my teeth. After i finished i took my clothes off, seeing the bandaged cuts on my arm, i took the bandages off too. Yes, i knew it would sting, but what other choice did i have? I walked into the shower. Taking some shampoo i left in the shower and cleaner my hair, it was getting greasy anyways, it was about time i cleaned it. The hot water falling against my skin was conforting, even the way my wrists stang was conforting. It was the pain i knew i deserved. The pain that kept me sane. That grounded me enough to not go crazy.

I wanted to feel pain, i wanted to get what i deserved. Or atleast what i thought i deserved. I deserved pain. I needed to feel pain.

I stepped out the shower wraping a towel around myself, i looked through the drawers, the cabnets, nothing. Not even the sizors were here. My family must have taken them. Shit.

I put my bandages back on, then my clothes. I couldnt just walk out the academy, they would see me. I could climb out the window.

I basickly ran over to the window in my room, but it wouldn't budge. They closed it permanently. Well fuck me.

Wait, i could just teleport outside, i sometimes forgot about my powers. Thats just what i did, i teleported to the nearest drug store. I looked trough the isles, i found the raizors, i didn't have any money so i just shoved them in my pockets.

While i was walking out i spoted some pills called Fentanyl, i wasnt stupid, those could kill you if you took too many. I took a bottle of those i also took a bottle of advil and a pack of painkillers. Just to be safe, i didn't really have a reason fór living anymore.

I bliped back to my room in the academy only to find Klaus in my room right infornt of me.

"Were did you go Fivey?"

"I-i went for a walk."

"Empty you're pockets, now!"

I sighed as i took the bottle of advil and pack of painkillers out of my pockets. Klaus imediently took them.

Still Klaus was holding his hand up. Wanting to take something from me. I took 2 out of 3 raizors out of my pocket and handed it to him. Klaus ruffuled my still wet hair. "Come down for breakfast, will you, you dont have to talk to anyone." I noded my head yes. And Klaus left me in my room alone. How did he know i left!?

I pulled out the remaining Fentanyl and raizor, i bliped myself to the bathroom, making sure i closed the door. I walked over to the other side of the bathroom roling down my sweatpants. I absolutly shateres the raizor to pieces. I took one of the 3 blades inside and draged it across my thigh. It felt good to feel pain that you know you deserved. I cut my thigh up so bad that it was gushing red. I pressed a towel down on my thigh, waiting for it to stop bleeding so much so i could put bandages on my wounds.

At last the bleeding stoped a bit so i took this chance to wrap it up in bandages that i also stole from the drug store. I was still craving the edge of the blade, i still wanted pain.

I took of my hoddie and started to play fruit ninja on my arms. It was a weird feeling, but it felt good, it felt right, it was perfect,.....it was what i deserved

I heard someone come in my room.

I quickly tied up my arms while putting the Fentanyl and blades into the drawer, i flushed the toilet to make it look like i was alright, i pulled on my sweatpants and hoddie. I turned on the water in the sink while i dryed my still damp hair.

'They will never know'

I stoped the water from running and opened the door, there stood Victor. "Are you ok?" "What, yeah just in the bathroom." Victor nodded while smiling slightly, we made small talk as we made our way to the kitchen for breakfast.

I sat in my usual place, next to Victor and Alison.

I was still a bit scared of Alison and what she would do. But i couldnt let anyone know that.

Just then the ale blond ape was giving us plates with pancakes. I did want to eat them, but i wanted to feel pain, even hunger is pain. So i just played around with the food as much as i could.

"Five, can i talk to you privetly." I noded and Lila took me to the living room.

"Five?" "Yeah?" Lila pulled up my arms and i saw crimson on the sleves of my 'white' hoddie "fuck" "I know that you are doing this as punishment for yourself, and you are doing this to feel pain. But everyone is trying to make you feel better, to help you, mostly Diego and if this happens again it will only hurt you and everyone in this family of ours."
I noded, my head down, trying not to let a sob escape my lips. My eyes with tears that i didn't want to let fall. And then Lila left me in the living room as she returned to the kitchen. I let a few tears shed after that, but i left the rest for later.

They hated me my family hated me, i was a burden to them. I was the enemy this time. It was my fault. As Lila said 'it will only hurt you and this family of ours' its my fault, and if i was dead, .....it would be better for everyone.