Spinning Out

Chapter 27

JAINA

"It's not fair you're getting out of this," I say to Nathan as I set his balloons on the side table near his bed. He doesn't move or react, which I'm not expecting him to.

I'm in my dress and have my gown hanging in my car. Today is not a day I ever thought I would have to do alone. I'm supposed to be riding with Nathan to the school to take pictures before the ceremony. We'd probably be fussing about having to go to a fancy dinner after with my parents and his grandma. Those plans will not happen today.

Maybe it's because everyone is too sad to eat dinner together, or maybe they all decided it wasn't appropriate to follow up with our plan that took shape before the accident. Either way, the new plan is to get through the ceremony and get back to Nathan. He is scheduled for surgery this morning and I'm sad I won't be able to be in the waiting room while it's happening. At first I wasn't going to go to my graduation. I don't really care about it, but the look on my parents' faces when I suggested I skip it let me know it was still very much important to them. They promised I can leave right after and get back over here.

"Are you nervous?" I ask him. I pull the old chair up to the side of the bed and reach for his hand. It's still swollen from the fluids.

We aren't the only people in this hospital that are supposed to be having a big event in their lives. For us, we finally finished school, for others, they are welcoming a new life. The lullaby plays over the speaker as I hold on to Nathan. Somewhere in this building, a baby has just been born. It reminds me how quickly these things happen—life coming and life leaving. I hope today no one will leave while I'm sitting under the sun in a metal chair, wishing I were here instead.

"Please don't leave me today," I whisper. "You have to get through this surgery and then you'll be back on track to waking up."

A knock on the door gets my attention.

"Good morning," the nurse greets us. "Wow, Nathan. You have balloons."

"Sorry," I say. I know the balloons must be obnoxious, but I couldn't stand for this milestone to go by for him without people knowing. I want his nurses and doctors to know what we are all fighting for. Nathan should be walking today. He completed something that took years. He should be celebrating with our friends and his grandma should get to see him in his cap and gown because she's been there from the beginning. It feels like we are all getting cheated.

"Oh, don't be sorry. What a special day!" she says.

I hope everyone that comes into his room today realizes that he's a kid that's fighting a hard battle on a day that should feel like triumph not struggle.

I sit with Nathan for as long as I can before it's time to head back to the school. I swear to him I'll be back as soon as possible and kiss his head goodbye before I leave. The walk out of his room feels especially heavy. I barely remember the drive to the school, but somehow I find myself standing beside my car, zipping up my robe.

The large kiosk outside the school congratulates all of us. There is special mention of Nathan on the sign and in the program. He would hate that. I would have told them if they would have asked. It's like the administration is paying attention to him, but they don't really know him. And everyone here probably knows what happened, but they have no idea that as we are walking across the stage to receive our diploma, Nathan will be being put to sleep to save his leg and his life.

I stand in the long line of graduating students in my ugly robe. The first chair in the row behind the valedictorian has an empty seat with Nathan's name. I know some of the students have planned to leave a flower on it, but to me that feels like a memorial and my friend isn't dead. It's almost too much for me but I push down the anxiety and irritation so that my parents can take their pictures.

To attend graduation, you have to have a ticket. It's crazy to me since the whole ceremony is outside in the football stadium, that they limit larger families from all being in attendance. I watch as families and former students line the gates to watch from outside. I wish I could give them my seat.

The music starts and the line slowly creeps forward. I'm in a large graduating class so this process is going to take forever. I glance at the stands and find my parents. I step from behind the farthest gate, onto the track. We all must walk past Nathan's chair, so I decide to focus on the people in the crowd instead. I don't want to cry today. At first I think my eyes are playing tricks on me, but then I see him. Elijah is standing in the back, leaning against the gate. When our eyes meet, his face lights up with a devious grin. My brows pinch together in question. How did he get in here? Does he know someone? He laughs and motions with his hands jumping over the fence.

"Jaina Diaz," a voice calls over the loudspeaker.

Elijah claps, never taking his eyes off me. I take my fake diploma from the Dean and make my way to my chair. Nathan's seat is filled with letters and flowers and now I'm wondering who will pick those up and will he ever get them?