Spinning Out

Chapter 35

JAINA

My hands shake as I stare down at my phone. I'm shocked. I think I'm going to be sick. I run into Nathan's bathroom and turn the water on in the sink. It's cold to the touch and I splash it on my face. At some point the water mixes with tears that I can't hold back. Has he been lying this whole time? How could he do this? I think of the time we've spent together and how I've been so close to a man that was there and possibly a part of the worst night of my life—the night that almost took my friend from me.

How did I not put the piece together? His cast, his love for cars, his knowledge of the take-overs. I turn off the water and grab some paper towels. I blot my face. I can see through the open door Nathan laying in the bed. My phone thrown on the sheets beside him. I feel like my skeleton is going to crawl out of my skin. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own body. I'm confused, and mad, and if I'm honest—I'm sad. I'm so sad that this boy that has offered to help has been manipulating me the whole time.

I head back to Nathan's bedside. I put my phone on the tray away from us and take his hand in mine. Leaning down, I press my lips to his hand and then bring his soft skin to my cheek.

"Nathan," I whisper, "I'm sorry."

My phone chimes with a message, but I don't want it anywhere near me. Right now, I want to be in this room with the only person I know I can trust. I squeeze his hand in mine.

"I really need you to wake up," I tell him. I use his sheets to wipe my eyes. Outside his room I can hear the commotion of other visitors leaving, but I'm not going voluntarily tonight. If I could crawl into his bed and stay beside him, I would. I'd give anything for one of our sleepovers.

"I want to eat brownies," I tell him. It's part laugh and part sob. I'm falling apart. "I want to order pizza and eat brownies and watch old scary movies with you."

I hold his hand to my face, leaving my eyes pinched closed to try and keep the tears in. It fails. I want to be in my room, back when we were kids and none of this had happened yet.

"I love you, kid," I tell him.

Nathan's hand tightens in mine. I feel it. Without a doubt, he squeezed my hand. I pull it away from my face and watch it. I know what I felt, but my heart won't let me believe it. My gaze moves to his face. I've studied it so much these past days, but tonight I see a flutter in his eye lids. My breath is locked in my chest. I don't want to move. Had he heard what I was saying?

"Can you hear me?" I ask him. His hand squeezes mine. It isn't strong, but it's there.

I have been wishing for this every day and yet I have no idea what to do. I don't want to leave him but I think I should get a nurse.

"Nathan," I say, "I'm going to get someone.

I set his hand back down on the bed. It's past visiting hours now and there are two nurses behind the counter. They look up when I step into the dimly lit area. "He's waking up," I tell them.

"I'll be right there," I'm told.

My feet move quickly taking me back to his side. I hold his hand again.

"They're coming. Can you still hear me?" I ask.

This time Nathan's eyes flutter open. Maybe it's because I've known him for so long, or maybe it's just human empathy, but I can tell right away he is in pain. His eyes are looking at me, but also still searching.

"Are you ok?" I ask. I know he can't really answer because of the ventilator, but I'm hoping for something—anything to tell me he's not in pain.

Nathan's head moves slightly back and forth. I'm so relieved that he is still in there, but I'm equally terrified he's not ok.

"Are you in pain?" I ask.

This time Nathan nods slowly. I turn to fetch the nurse, but she' already at the door. She's seen it all. She smiles at me as she makes her way over to the wall of medications being slowly dripped into him.

"The doctor had has lower a few things to see if he would start waking up," she tells me.

I don't understand why I wasn't told this, but maybe it's because they didn't want me to get my hopes up, or maybe it's because they do things around here when no one is in the room and the information gets lost as the nurses go about their busy days.

"He's in pain," I say even though I know she's aware.

"He will be," she tells me. "His body has been through a lot."

The alarm he is connected to start to alert. We watch as his pulse jumps and moves quicker. His blood pressure is also rising. Nathan stares at me, his eyes pleading. I turn to her.

"I'm going to increase this medication. He'll go back to sleep so he isn't in pain," she says. She studies the machines for a moment and then pushes a button and Nathan closes his eyes.

I sit back down I the seat beside him. "I know I have to leave, but I just need a minute," I tell her.

The nurse nods and steps out into the hallway.

"Nathan," I whisper, "I can't believe you're still with us."

I can't control the tears again. My heart is racing from the excitement and relief. I want to sit with him for hours. I want to tell him everything he's missed. I only got a few minutes of him, but knowing he heard me and could understand what I was saying is a miracle to me. I can't wait to call his grandma.

I can feel the nurse's presence in the doorway. I don't want to make waves because it's important to me that I'm always allowed to be here with him. As much as I hate the stupid rules and have hated them from day one, I will obey.

"I love you, Nathan. I'll see you tomorrow."