You're Early [ManxBoy]

Chapter 11: My Independence

Dammit!

"Why are you here?" Was the first thing I could manage to say. Why wouldn't it be? He was sitting back as if he were relaxing.

"It's a free country, isn't it?" He joked, but I was far from laughing. If anything, it was a little insulting that he thought he'd win me over with a lame ass joke that wasn't even chuckle worthy.

Seeing this, he awkwardly cleared his throat before becoming what I can only hope as serious.

"We need to talk Chris." He sighed.

"There's nothing to talk about." I mumbled. He'd only been next to me for five minutes since I got on and I was already feeling all of my emotions hitting me at once. I even felt a bit uneasy with the lack of actual space between our seats.

"Yes there is."

"What?" I snapped, causing him to jump a bit. "What's there to talk about? You made your point very clear." My voice went weak at the end due to the oncoming breakdown. Looking at Dean now, as much as it hurts to say it, I realize just how much I love him, and every single thing about him.

I was taken by surprise when I was roughly pulled out of my seat and dragged down the isle. Next thing I know, I'm being pushed into a small white box with Dean's body practically pressed against mine.

I gulped deeply and tried to avoid the intense look he was giving me. Trying to leave wasn't much of an option. His giant frame was blocking the only exit available.

Dammit!

"Now listen Chris. I'm sorry."

"Great opening..."

He glared at the wall behind my head but continued anyways. "What I did, what I did to you. It was stupid. I was stupid-"

"You're still stupid." I folded my arms. Dean knew just as well as I did that I'd only make his sad attempts for whatever he was trying to do harder for him.

He sighed under his breath. "You're right Chris. I am stupid. I'm stupid for being a jerk. I'm stupid for avoiding you the way I did. I'm sorry for it all." He balanced his weight on both of his legs.

Bowing my head down, I tried to hide the fact that his words were actually effecting me. The way his voice hitched at the end. The way he tried his best to choose his words wisely, knowing that they might be his last.

"What I did Chris, was wrong. I hurt you." He gripped my chin and pulled my head up. "I hurt you badly, and for that I'll be paying off that debt forever with permanent guilt."

An unwanted tear slipped from my eye. Blinking rapidly wasn't helping them go away as I hoped. It only made them worse.

When Dean went to cup my face, I shook his hands off. I was mad. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him for what he'd done to me. But I couldn't. I couldn't form enough anger inside of me.

Dean tried again, except this time, I stayed still. I even felt myself slowly melting into his touch and getting flippy feelings in my stomach whenever we touched.

"It was just that I needed time to come to terms with my feelings. Yes, I felt something strongly for you, and I still do. It was just that I was so caught up in trying to place a name on my feelings for you that I totally neglected you and left you with a broken heart. And I am truly sorry for putting you through that and making you feel like you were nothing to me.

There's no excuse for what I did. And I know that it'll take some time to make things the same again, but I'm telling you now Chris, I won't let it happen again. I won't let us fall apart."

By the time he finished, the waterworks were in full blast. Dean's green eyes glistened with unshed tears, but he didn't let them go. "What are you saying?" My voice cracked. I didn't sound like myself at all. My voice was small, weak, lacked strength. This was what Dean did to me, and so easily too.

He pushed my body to the wall and covered mine with his. His eyes flicked between my eyes and my lips. As I gazed deeply into his eyes, and he into mine, I saw it.

"I'm saying, Chris, I love you." And then my body was burning fiercely. The taste of salt coated over my lips, making this kiss between us feel even more than just a kiss. This wasn't like any other. This one was slow, patient, and sweet, fueled by something other than it's usual lust.

As soon as he pulled away from our lip lock, he placed his forehead on my own and closed his eyes.

"I love you baby. Believe me, I really do. I didn't say it back before because I was just in shock. I wasn't expecting your confession." He opened his lids and revealed two perfect shades of green. And then he smiled at me for the first time since we've been in this little thing.

"And I'm glad that you told me. Now that I know that you love me back, I know that I'm not in this alone. Again, I'm sorry for isolating myself from you, but baby, I promise that if you take me back, if you give me another chance; us another chance, I'll do everything in my power to keep you from ever crying again."

We're both vulnerable now. Me thinking about his words and letting them play over in my head. Him trying to get a read off of me and see what my answer might be.

Sighing deeply, I pushed Dean's body off of mine, making my body lose all warmth and shook my head. "I don't know Dean. I mean, I do love you, and you loving me back is all I could ever want but...."

"But what?" He whispered, downcasting his eyes and hiding his emotions. His body went rigid, his breathing turned into light pants and his jaw occasionally ticked.

He was trying not to cry. Cupping his face with both of my hands, I placed his forehead back onto mine.

"But I'm still hurt. Yes, I know that it'll take some time for things to go back to the way they were, but that's just it. Time; we both need it.....away from each other."

Dean's head snapped up. "Chris.... Please, don't do this." He begged. His fists balled into the sides of my shirt as he buried his face in my neck. "I love you."

"Stop crying, Dean." I rubbed his back and laid my head on top of his. His body shook as cries racked through his body. "I just need to clear my head, and heart for awhile. And I can't do that when I know that you're around. So please, understand that this is good for us." Pecking his forehead a few times, I wrapped my arms around his upper back and held him close to me. "And when I come back, we'll have a fresh start."

"When will you be back?" He asked into my skin. The movement of lips on my neck caused me to shiver as I always do whenever he kisses me there.

"I'm not sure." I sighed. I could feel his face dropping at my answer. "But just know that I will, for you, for us."

He pulled away, sniffing deeply and cracking my heart to the point where I almost backed out and came with him. But I couldn't. Feeling the way I did for the past week, and before Dean did what he did, I realized that I depended on others too much.

Sure that's what you're supposed to do when you're with someone, but it's not always a good thing. And that's why I'm leaving. Before I used to be able to bounce back from things like this. I'd do everything in my power not to curl into a ball of sadness and misery. But now, I see what I did that changed all of that.

I gave up my independence. I was so lost without Dean that when he left me for that entire week, I didn't know who or what I was anymore. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. It was like he was my brain and heart, and when he wasn't next to me, I just became a lifeless body in need of those things.

I needed to find myself again. I needed to gain that trust in me that I once had. I'm happy that I'm able to depend on Dean whenever it's needed, but the thing is, I was so busy depending on him that I forgot how to depend on myself.

"You know I'm coming back, right?" I asked him.

"Yeah." He answered with his head bowed down in a child-like manner.

"And you know I love you Dean, so fucking much, right?" I reached out and held both of his much larger hands in my own, lacing our fingers together.

"Yeah." He chuckled weakly. "And I love you too Chris, so fucking much."