'Oh Ana' - Kavetham Angst

Nightmares

Its been two weeks now since Kaveh first woke up in this place. Dottore had given an estimation of when it would all be over, two whole months. He kept telling himself this would be worth it but the pain got worse and the voices only got louder. He fears he won't be able to shut them out anymore at some point. He's made many drawings, sometimes architectures, but mostly his friends. He was afraid he would forget them over time so he kept sketching everyone over and over again to not forget their faces. He's only gotten nightmares since the first procedure, starting with bliss and then everything falling apart. Its like they are trying to break him. Sometimes a Fatui harbinger would come in for a chat, mostly this guy named Tartaglia, who seemed quite cheery like Kaveh used to be once. Tartaglia also called himself Childe, he would try to cheer Kaveh up sometimes, but it felt to Kaveh like he knew something about this, He had tried asking many times but Childe kept changing the conversation while laughing nervously and looking away. Today wasn't any different. "Do you know what will happen to me once this is finished?" Kaveh asked with a now empty voice, from all the pain he had to endure he lost most of his feelings it seemed. Childes eyes darted away again while his face held an uncomfortable expression. "I'm sorry but Dottore hasn't told anyone about this stuff yet, I doubt he knows it himself." he said as he nervously laughed again. 

He is holding secrets, I can't trust him.

Kaveh knew Childe tried to gain his trust, because of this Kaveh had learned he ended up as a harbinger because one of the others had saved him from the abyss after he had fallen in and wandered there for a long time, he also discovered that they both knew the traveller, and that Childe once had fought them, he referred to their relation as 'frenemies'. Kaveh always felt empty but he did enjoy the company, and he knew Childe as one of the friendliest harbingers, even though he hadn't met many. So when Childe had to leave Kaveh usually went back to his empty self, well, he knew this version of him wasn't actually him, but it was hard to change when he couldn't even tell if he had feelings or not. about 30 minutes after Childe had left Dottore picked him up for another experiment. Kaveh was reluctant to come with him but he had no choice anymore, he was pressured by both the voices and Dottore to continue. Back in that painful room the same routine happened again, he was handed the mask and told to count back from ten. As he started falling asleep a last sentence was heard; "Just close your eyes, You'll be back there soon enough, good night~"

Kaveh woke up back in Sumeru again, He's had similar dreams over and over again so now he knew he was dreaming, and what was about to happen. Though knowing this he still took advantage of that small amount of happiness he gained from the beginning of his dreams. Kaveh walked into the living room again, finding Alhaitham reading there, he was always reading. Kaveh hopped onto the couch next to Alhaitham and leaned on his shoulder again. It was soft and warm like he had remembered, like it always was in these dreams. But this time the voice spoke, for the first time his voices broke into his dream. "Oh Kaveh, you poor child, trusting evil again."

Please stop, I want to enjoy this before its all ruined.

"Its always been ruined Kaveh, he ruined it, he made you leave, he started all of it" the voices said, as Kaveh tried to block his ears. 

No, it was me, I should never have left him, I talked too much, I stressed him out.

"No, Kaveh. It was never your fault, you were just being you, he can't judge you like that." the voice suddenly sounded sympathetic for some reason. As Kaveh figured blocking his ears wouldn't work he realized the warm shoulder he leaned on suddenly was ice cold, looking up he saw Alhaitham death glaring him. Startled Kaveh stood up and backed up. Alhaitham stood up as well and started walking towards him, not looking away for one second, he didn't seem to even be blinking. Being scared, Kaveh sprinted towards the door, opening it and finding that endless darkness that had been haunting his dreams, but before he could step back it was already too late, he was falling again. As he accepted his fate the voices sounded again. "Don't worry, just close your eyes and you will leave this dream, I know it can be hard when it feels like death but you can trust me~" Kaveh decided closing his eyes would be the best option right now. When he closed them he felt his now loose hair fluttering against his back, He had lost his hair clips on his travel so now the hair which he had try to keep short with those clips was long again. It felt kind of nice, a feeling other than pain reassuring him he was still alive as he was falling further down.

Waking up he found himself in that living room again, this time Alhaitham was gone and there were holes everywhere in the roof and walls, revealing that dark abyss he was falling in before, It felt like days had gone by while he was asleep. By now many moments had passed where he felt that pain, thought he was going to die. Kaveh started looking around the room trying to navigate. Glass was shattered everywhere, on a desk he found some kind of clock, the hands were spinning uncontrollably fast. Suddenly a loud windchime sounded from within his head as he felt air rush past him from everywhere making him crouch down covering his ears.

When will this pain end.

Kaveh felt like a small helpless child again, scared of what would come, he started to cry as he huddled in a small corner. All he longed for was a feeling of safety. Then a big black figure suddenly was standing in front of him, reaching out its hand. "Come on, you are save with me child." it said with a soothing tone.

Its that voice again!

Hesitant but having nowhere to go he grabbed the shadows hand and let darkness consume him, a sense of peace had come to him as he finally let go of his fears and the hurt that came with seeking for love. He felt free of the pressure to do good, free from judgement..

free from the will to love that certain someone....