For I Am Calm

Chapter 7: Memorans Praeterita

I cover my mouth immediately. I wasn't supposed to raise my voice... "How dare you use that tone with me, boy!" ... I could feel their eyes on me. I was looking down but I could only guess they're very mad at me because I probably just compromised our position. "I... I'm sorry.." I whisper while my hands muffle my voice. "I'll go back... and repent... I'm really sorry Abbess, please believe me." I take a step before Annalise grabs my shoulder. I turned to look at her, she.. doesn't look mad? "We need you. Did you forget the general sent you with us? He doesn't do things for no reason." She whispers in a surprisingly warm yet somber tone... like hers... "Forget the lady, she's being an old sourpuss. Don't apologize for being a person." I wish I could see her again. No, you can't, demons probably overran the orphanage, it's been years since you left anyways she probably doesn't even remember you, she could even be dead. Stop thinking like that, I don't know those things for sure.

I was hesitant to continue at first but Annalise manages to talk me into not leaving, I can't remember what was said though. I was distracted by the thoughts that ran through my head. These thoughts are foreign though, like someone else is up there with my inner voice. The longer I think about it I begin to realize it started the moment I came to this town with the others. But why, why now, why when there's something important that has to be done, why when I can't afford to lose sight of our goal, I can't be holding the others back because of my issues. They don't say it but I believe they're thinking I shouldn't be here, I'll only slow them down. They're right to think such a thing you know. You're a coward piggybacking on the strong... though how would I know, I'm not a mind reader... "You don't have to be strong to do good or help. You tried your best with good intentions, Damon. You tried. That's all that matters. How about you help me clean this up, and maybe give a smile too? For me?"... she'd tell me when I felt this way.

Her words stick to me even now. I clench the dagger with a new found hope, though small, I hope it's enough when I need it. I looked up and I could see Xavier and Phylos whispering to each other. None of my business...  I have to focus on ahead. The whispering, while quiet, felt like it was going to get heated at any moment. I'll stay silent, try not to piss off Xavier any more than I already have... "Not another peep out of you, boy. For the rest of the day."... I decide that I could be more useful, that when it's the right time I'll ask what I should do so I can have some direction. As of late I've been anything but. Why do I need their validation so badly... "I knew you couldn't be useful, why did I believe you actually would do anything right? Stop gawking and leave, clearly I am mistaken. Such a pain in my neck."... oh, that's probably why. My face starts to burn with a sense of this loathe as I continue to remember certain things. Why am I remembering this time of my life, it's something I'd rather leave buried in the depths of my subconscious. I take a deep breath to calm myself. 

While moving forward I keep wondering to myself if I'll be able to help when the time comes. I'd ask what I can do but I'd rather not risk bothering the others. I can tell I've been a pain.  "You're such a burden, you know that? Why don't you run away, it'll be the one good thing you can do for all of us." that damn kid would get on my nerves... think you're so tough- nope, like I' would have been any tougher. I'm not one to fight back. Even if I did do something it's not like anyone but her would be on my side, I'd get into trouble. "You have to learn to take a stand, my sweet child."... I get a warm feeling in my stomach, like I used to get when she'd speak to me. It was the few times I'd talk to someone who didn't hate my guts so I loved our chats whenever we had them. It doesn't take much to make you happy does it? There's nothing wrong with that is there? It just makes you look like a sad human being, oH I tAlkEd tO soMeoNE WowIE. Shut up, self... where are these thoughts even coming from? I'm not sad, it's just fact, a result of my upbringing, I can't help it. Now shut it, leave me alone. Intrusive thoughts begone.