The Broken US

A hug says enough

Oliver's pov

He is back.

2 years after he walked away from us ,he was back. To think the one who broke the us which was supposed to be an unit, broke the us which was supposed to hold on to each other while we walked through the treacherous reality that life threw at us, broke the us which was supposed to be a constant through every hurdle,  every obstacle, made my heart clench tighter than my fist, throwing me into a state of affliction.

I bit my lip in vexation as I went back to the time when I heard that my brother left just after the news of the doctors failing to resuscitate her. I refused to believe it , refused to believe that the ones whom I held so close to my heart were gone leaving me in pieces.

The misery I was trapped in was the misery I inflicted upon my brothers unknowingly,the tales of the past which I couldn't seem to erase from my mind breaking me every passing moment,the memories tormented my already wounded heart which caused me to build walls so big that not even the ones I have been left with could be a shoulder for me to cry on.

The wounds that didn't bleed refused to fade away with time, instead the pain grew so much that it took over my soul, my body in such a way that I was thrown into a trance of blankness. I felt numb, I couldn't take love, that the ones who held on to the broken pieces of my messed up self gave, I couldn't express the rage and fury at my misfortune.

They said I ignored my feelings, but what they didn't know was that I hardly remember what emotions felt like until now.

Until now all I did was nod my head at whatever life threw at me and move ahead leaving the us I tried so hard to hold on to, somewhere in the past. Until now ,I trapped myself in the trance of nothingness where I could only see the darkness which I didn't want to escape from because the darkness didn't scare me but the light did.

Neither did Nico nor Louis deserved to lose another brother ,another someone they held close to their heart so I held on to the life which had lost it's light. But I could do little for my brothers, I could do little for the ones who refused to leave my side in the darkest of nights, who were willing to sit by my side when I did nothing but stare into the blank space, who held me when I didn't ask them to, who read my silence and provided me the comfort my heart longed for, by just being there without a word.

I could see my brothers hurting, I often heard Nicolas begging our father to do something to bring him back to which he replied that he didn't want to be back, back to us. He didn't stop trying,he waited and waited till he accepted that all he had was gone, all we had was gone. The acceptance broke him piece by piece, taking away every trance of hope or love left in his wounded heart.

I could see the vulnerability in  Louis's blue orbs.Louis was Noah's safe place, the calm to his storm. Her death and his absence deleted every ounce of ecstasy from his life. He grew extremely protective of us, tended to all of our needs ,gave his all to protect us from any form of physical, emotional or mental harm. But in process of ensuring that he was there for us ,he forget to be there for himself.

He said we were just kids who didn't deserve such a horrendous fate but perhaps he forgot that he was also just a kid?

But the walls I build around myself crumbled the very moment I saw him standing before me. I wanted to punch him to death and also hold on to him so hard that he could never ever walk away again, both at the same time. But all I did was ignore his existence because I knew he wasn't here to stay, he came back but he wouldn't stay, just like 2 years back he would walk away.

And I couldn't go through all of that all over again, I won't allow myself to get attached to someone who was here to leave , but somewhere deep inside I was aware of the fact that I could never detach myself from him. Because he was a part of us, a part of us that we'll always long for.

I couldn't look into his eyes because that would most certainly bring back all the misery, pain and agony which was buried deep inside my heart.

Why ,why now when I was comfortably numb, when I believed emotions were nothing but a burden my shoulders weren't willing to hold.He was once the brightest star adorning my night sky but now-

I have no fucking idea of what he was to me now, but all I wanted him to be was a nobody to me.

"Oli, get your ass over here." Nicolas screamed from I don't know where.

"What do you want, Nico? And for the love of God or devil stop swearing, at this pace your mouth would be nothing but a culvert with with superfluous junk that no one would be willing to cleanse!" I scolded with an exasperated sigh.

"Help with the assignment." He stated ,  this boy got no manners.

"Make it quick." Not like I had a choice, he might be a dickhead but at the end of the day he's our dickhead.

"You're fine?" Nicolas asked in a small voice.That surprised me because he was hardly ever upfront when he wanted to know about someone's well being.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You know ,why Oliver." He retorted.

"No I don't, enlighten me Nico." I said in a calm voice not meeting his eyes.

"Why?", He asked his voice breaking as his eyes shone with unshed tears.

"Why what, Nico." I said as softly as I could trying to keep my words bare of any emotions. He is already feeling low, he doesn't deserve to deal with my shit.

"Why, why while both of you could be so calm, so unbothered by everything that's going on but I go around losing my composure everytime I see him Oli, why?" Nicolas said as tears rolled down his cheeks, his green orbs reciting the tales of his vulnerability.

"Everyone chooses different ways to cope up Nico. Your anger isn't something you should be ashamed of neither are your emotions." I finally looked at him in the eyes, I wanted him to see the truth in my words. Simply because I don't let pain dictate the way I behave doesn't mean he has to do the same, because numbing the pain, keeping it within you destroys you piece by piece and he doesn't deserve it, no one does.

"I want to avoid him, to behave like he doesn't exist but seeing him feels like I'm losing him again, that he is slipping out of m-our grasp yet again. Seeing him makes me remember the pain that I forgot momentarily, Oli."

I didn't really have words that could relieve his pain, so instead I took him in my arms, allowing him to collapse on my shoulders. Without any hesitation, he buried his head in the crook of my neck, as he let out silent tears.

I tightened my hold around him, rubbing his back gently as if to say I'm here Coles, I'll always be here.

Mum used to say when words couldn't express what you feel, when words couldn't relieve one's pain, one could always use a hug because a hug says enough.