random [ sometimes angry] ranting time

idk

am I the only one who will be doing so well, like I'll be doing so much better and actually talking to people and making plans and stuff and follow through with them and then everything comes crashing down again afterwards. like, I'll just see a few things that will put me back in the same fucking headspace that I so desperately tried to escape.

like, for example, I'll snack on stuff bc im bored and everything but I think I also do it bc I hate the feeling of when my stomach is growling or grumbling (like, if I haven't eaten for a while) because it brings me back to the days of when I loved it and wanted to constantly feel the feeling of being hungry bc it meant I was skinny and pretty. bc it always meant I wasn't eating too much, but I know I wasn't even eating enough. I just wasn't eating. I went days with barely eating anything because it stressed me out so much to gain weight. and there are days now that I'll feel full and it makes me want to throw up and I hate that feeling and I would rather not eat again than have to feel that feeling.

I hate it.

but past that, I also hate the fact that I'm always going to be messed up and broken because of anxiety and depression. I'm never gonna be whole again. it's never gonna happen. I'm never gonna feel 100% comfortable in most social situations ever again. church? gives me an absurd amount of anxiety. for no reason. but I can't make it go away, as much as I wish I could. and it's always going to be here with me.

I'm just so tired of it. I'm so incredibly tired of all of this shit. I just wanna be happy and naive and not have to force a smile when I feel like breaking down and I wish I didn't like feeling hungry and i wish I didn't hate sleeping but I also wish I wouldn't sleep all the time and I just want to be fixed and whole.

beneath it all, I just want to be happy again.