after an attack of the king of spades, usagi gets severely injured. and the worst part: she gets found by the worst person possible - niragi.
---; „are you afraid, doll?"
| trigger warning: this book contains graphic depictions of physical and emoti...
for a while, i looked at the burned ruins. the beach burned down, and turned my whole facade into ashes. i got confronted with the reality, something, i completely lost touch to. i smiled a sad smile. hopefully, i could leave that everything in the past. i slowly made my way through the gate. everywhere lay debris from collapsed parts of the building. i might die in here. i looked around. even from here, the smell of the burned wood mixed with the one of death and despair was evident. I carefully opened the door.
i managed to take a close look at the people who died here. people i killed. some of the bodies were completely burned, some were still recognisable. their empty eyes stared at me, and it felt like they were watching my every step as i conquered the foyer. 'is this really the person you want to be?' i heard a voice whispering and i looked behind me. yakumo kneeled in front of a young girl, maybe eighteen, nineteen. 'she didn't deserve to die.' i nodded. 'i'm sorry.' i continued my way. my limbs were heavy, as if the dead souls of my victims were trying to drag me down, into hell.
'so this is... freedom?' i whispered. that's what i had thought. true freedom... what even is that? 'the chains are broken, but were you ever truly free?' yakumo asked. 'it still haunts you, into the last corner of your mind.' it was true. i had tried to escape the prison of my mind and proving my freedom by doing everything i was able to do. and it consumed me.
with a last gaze over the horror, i left the foyer and made my way up to the roof.
the wind blew into my face as i opened the door. i slowly made my way to the edge and sat down. 'now, it won't take long until the beach collapses.' i heard takatoras raspy voice. another hallucination? i didn't dare to look. 'you're right.' i replayed the scene. 'we have to be careful now. one wrong step and everything escalates.' i looked around, to look for something. my sniper gun. it lay there, burned, and i slowly came closer. how many people have i killed with that? i lost count. i picked it up to put it on my shoulder like i used to. it felt wrong.
i let it down again and looked on the ground. 'aren't you tired of bullying the weak?', chishiya asked, but this time, his voice sounded more gentle. more like a genuine question. 'yes. yes, i am.' i whispered back. i looked up, to see a softly smiling chishiya. that smile. oh, how i had adored the doctor. and now, everything lay in ruins.
i made my way back down. on my way, i went into my old room. memories came back, countless nights i had spent here, with people, alone, in anger, in grief, fucking, almost dead... i remembered that one time aguni saved me because i cut myself too deeply in my anger and got unconscious. i would have bleeded to death if he didn't save me. he was the one i was trusting the most out of all people, with usagi together. even though i never got to know his motives to keep me alive, i liked to pretend that i actually meant something to him.
'i only listen to the general.' i recalled. still true... still true. i left the room and made my way to the backyard, to the pool. there, too, were corpses, floating in the pool, and the pile of wood that started the fire. you could make out a few burned corpses, eaten by the flames of the fire. i needed to chuckle softly. 'this are the ashes of the utopia hatter wanted to create. sir thomas more did something funny when he created that word—a place that doesn't exist.' i sat down on the ground, in front of the pile and opened my back—taking out the white little flowers i was able to save after the encounter with yamane. they were a bit damaged, but i was still stunned by their beauty, i traced the small petals with my fingers, feeling their softness.
carefully, i scooped out a hole for the flowers, making sure it was just the right size. with gentle hands, i pulled the flowers out of their pot and lowered them into the ground. i gently patted the dirt around it and slided a bit back, to look at the flowers. cosmos flowers. they grew fast, and here, even faster. they would transform this place, that has been destroyed, into a place of hope. even on burned ground, life is possible. hard, but possible. i grabbed my old gun and lay it next to the flowers. 'no more violence. i promise.'
i stayed at the beach, looking at the flowers. being here had calmed me down, somehow. 'you made it, love.' yakumo whispered. 'you are now able to close this chapter. come visit me.' i looked up to him. he smiled. that smile, that meant home. 'i miss you so much, mo.' i started sobbing, tears falling down my cheeks onto the freshly planted flowers. 'i—don't know—how i was able t—to survive without you.' 'you were never alone. i was always with you. let's go, you're close to finish your main quest.'
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white cosmos flowers symbolize purity and innocence. they are delicate and beautiful, representing new beginnings and a sense of tranquility.
