WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HEART

NOW.VI

NOW. VI

Her

"Happy birthday, Jamie!"

I kept repeating the line while looking at myself in the side mirror, practicing my voice and my tone. Not too whiny, not very dramatic. With a dash of affection and sensuality, maybe? I still wasn't sure.

April 24th, 2018. I was waiting in the car by the sidewalk of our old home, as agreed. Affairs in order, things as stable as they could possibly be.

Me and Theo. No longer an item. We'd never been married, so it was an easy process. He'd say that I had never been 100% into the relationship with him but that the kids united us into some kind of a couple, but the actual love was never there. It was all mechanical. He was probably right. How could I have been completely his when my mind had been at Jamie from the beginning?

The kids. We were working on making it work. They were 6 and 4 years old now. It wasn't easy on them, but it was fairer for everyone this way. As nervous and agitated as I was that day, I could always rely on the thought of them to bring me back to a more calm and serene place.

Jamie was right, we were not the same people anymore.

Career. While I hadn't gone to college this time around, I didn't simply forget everything that I had learned. Instead, I refocused all of it into writing. I had just finished my second novel. It was due publishing in a couple of months. Things were promising. One other thing that I corrected using our 'second chance'.

I had also invested in some things here and there, using tips and suggestions from Jamie. Theo's business had been steadily growing from the beginning of our relationship. I helped as much as I could. Things were good, financially.

So, there I was, ready to give it a try. As promised. I found pride in myself and in this plan that I had managed to bring to completion. I had accumulated regrets along the way, but I felt that it was the best I could do with the hand that we've been dealt. I was ready to be with Jamie.

I also had a surprise for him. The only gift that I was able to give that I knew for sure would make this whole ordeal worth it. He was right, we were not the same people anymore. I chose to think we were better now.

Regardless of what was going to happen, this was going to be the conclusion to our story. Happy or not, together or alone, we were back to where we started. The only question was, will we meet in the same place?

"Happy birthday, Jamie," I said again, trying to sound my best. "I'm ready to give you an answer, if you're willing to ask the question again."

That sounded a bit too cheesy.

"Happy birthday, Jamie! I am ready to be your wife, now!"

Better. It will either scare him and make him run away or make him happy.

"Happy birthday, Jamie! Take this hand, put a ring on it, let's do it, baby!"

I didn't know anymore. I decided to just wing it. Improvise on the spot. If only he'd get there sooner.

I checked my watch and calendar a few times. Before our final face to face talk back in 2016, we had set up this meeting in the calendar on our phones, so we didn't forget. Surely it was today. I was there on time.

But he wasn't, as you might expect from reading this. My fear eventually turned to reality.

I messaged him:

NF: hey!

He was offline. He was offline one hour later too.

Was I miserable, disappointed, heartbroken?

Yes, all of that. But I wasn't surprised. I may have been foolish about the whole plan and its viability but I wasn't stupid. I was aware that he was not obligated to follow it through. He had said as much. And although he promised to be here, a lot could have changed in the last two years.

We didn't stay in touch that much, as I thought it was healthier this way. The promise was there, it was up to the both of us to keep it. No amount of talking about it in between would have changed the final result. Looking back now, him not arguing about it was indicative of him not being there that day. This was the kind of thing he'd contend against.

I checked the phone. Still offline.

I started wondering when was my mistake at its gravest. Not staying in touch for the past two years? Not sticking with him two years prior, when he had been willing to see me? Or was it all a waste from the beginning? Did I lose him for good back in 2012? Did I lose him in the spring of 2024? Was that the moment?

Was I transported back in time from 2024 to 2012 and had lost the love of my life? Was that the truth and the reality that I was so hard trying to run away from?

Who can say?

Still offline.

I sat there for another couple of hours. As the sun started to set, I started crying. I still can't tell you exactly why. There were too many reasons. Had I wronged Jamie? Of course! Had I wronged Theo? No doubt.

I checked my phone one final time. The message was 'Seen' but he was offline again.

"Happy birthday, Jamie!"

It was getting late. It was time to go home. I still had kids to love and take care of.

As I backed the car from the sidewalk, I could see a shape behind. I turned around. My phone rang. Message notification.