WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HEART

EPILOGUE

Epilogue

Him

I don't usually drink. But I was drunk then. But trust me, I don't usually drink.

I was laying down on some exotic beach, I forget which. Might have been Cuba, but it could also have been Hawaii. They all turn into a blur after a while (not a bad problem to have, right? I certainly am not complaining, don't get me wrong). I sat there, watching the stars, enjoying the noise of the ocean. By my side was my phone and the bottle of rum. It kept throwing notifications from time to time. The phone, I mean, not the rum. 'Ringing' rum. Now that would be funny.

I felt odd. For the first time in years, I felt...at ease. Since going back (get it?) it was the first time I could remember when my heart and my mind weren't rushing. No panic. No stress. No anxiety. Just...being in the moment. It felt so surreal that I couldn't process it. I kept expecting that whole wave of fear and uncertainty to come rushing back. But it didn't. Everything felt safe. Everything felt quiet.

How can I explain it? It was as if, for the first time since the thing happened, I was able to not fight it. No struggle, no random thoughts on how to fix whatever I had thought was broken. It was like my whole body finally accepted who I was and where I was. It was just me, being present, in that moment, on that beautiful (albeit unknown) beach. Now that I think about it, that feeling started way before. I just didn't want to admit it. I just hid it. Did it start back when Nat refused my proposal? The sensation did feel similar. Nevertheless, it was finally over.

I took another sip.

I'm not sure what else I can share from that moment. For the past six years or so, I had hoped that somehow things would go back to how they were before. We all know that was impossible. It had been impossible since the day I chose to place bets on sporting events of which I already knew the upcoming result. That started the path I took towards building a fortune. That never happened the first time around. So how could other things go back to how they were? How could I? I would never be that guy again. It wasn't just me that changed. The whole world changed, no matter how similar it felt at times. But still, at the back of my mind, I kept that hope. It was a lie, of course. But it was a lie that I kept hoping to become reality. Somehow. That hope turned into an obsession that would not give me any kind of peace.

At times I acknowledged that it was an obsession and no matter the outcome, I wouldn't come out well out of it. But it was impossible to get rid of it. I don't know if I ever really tried to, but I knew for sure that nevertheless, it had always felt impossible.

You could almost say that I grew up. Finally, no longer a naïve child. Ha, Jamie Adams grew up!

Another drink from the bottle.

Now it was over and it felt weird. Easy. Too easy? Too easy! Anti-climactic almost. As I said, before, it felt impossible to get out of that obsession. But at that moment I realized that I found it impossible to ever look back.

Good or bad, I had finally moved on.

Another sip.

I don't usually drink. You have to believe me. But that night...That night I was celebrating. Good or bad. Hurt feelings. Damage done. Lives changed forever. All these things summed up - did not matter anymore. It was finally over.

I felt her get close.

"Don't keep it all to yourself," she said.

I passed her the bottle. She took a seat by my side and tasted the drink herself. She then put it down, touched my face and kissed me.

I expected a new rush of conflicting feelings that would get me back to that awful place. No sign. I was truly free. I write this to you as a free man, at peace with my fate and my life. I started telling you this story in hope that there will be a definite message at the end of my story. There isn't. Not to me, at least. You may draw one from what you read, please do.