I'm Scared of Heights | ONC 2023 ✔️

16) The Selfish Choice

Winn

I'm suffocating.

No, not like the physical kind where you can't breathe. I'm smothering from the squelching heat that emanates from the people surrounding me. They're too close. They could figure it out too. They would spread the news far and wide, yelling about how yet another person in my family got melanoma.

"Happy birthday, Winn!" The shouts fill my ears. It's all grins and giggles. I can't think. I smile. My face hurts. Gulping, I reach for my water bottle.

Hollow.

The emptiness envelopes me in a depressing blanket of silence. No light breaks beyond the clouds covering my head. Nothing. There is nothing. Nothing except one thought. The thought to rule them all.

I'm going to die. There isn't an optimistic twist or silver lining. Nothing. I have nothing.

What am I even doing? Why am I here, grinning like an idiot? Why am I throwing thank yous out like the rotten fruit groundings would have thrown at actors? Why? Why, just why? Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to die now? I'm not even a third through life expectancy. Mom didn't pass until her forties. Gran didn't pass until her seventies.

Why me now at eighteen?

A hand taps my shoulder. I glance to my right. Natalie stares at me, her brows furrowed, and her lips pursed. "You aren't okay." Her voice is quiet and flat. I only nod. My smile doesn't drop as Aaron slaps my back, beaming and echoing another Happy Birthday.

Hey, at least Dad doesn't have to bother with my after life stuff too much.

That's a plus... Right... right?

I don't want to be here. No. My head pounds. I barely register another string of Happy Birthdays and a conglomeration of thoughtful gifts that are shoved my way. This, here, in the lunchroom, is a party. And for the first time, I don't think I'm here. Not at my own party.

The ache in my leg increases. Shifting to my right side, Natalie steadies me, her face reading blank. Her eyes drift across the table. A pang of guilt tugs at my heart. She doesn't want to be here, does she? Not at the center of the lunchroom, more than fifteen people gathered around, more faces appearing and disappearing in waves.

"You can leave," I say, continuing, "I'm fine."

She recoils, and her features shift into a hard glare. "You aren't fine," she repeats, placing her phone square against the table. "And you know it."

I know.

Swallowing another lump into the base of my throat, I stand, hurriedly grabbing the parcels, cards, and chocolate gifted. Warmth grips my hands, holds me in place, and grounds me back to reality. Thanks, Natalie. Part of my smile doesn't feel so fake anymore.

Aaron stands in front of me, still glancing between Natalie and me. I know he's talking, but the sound is mute. Blinking once more, a phrase focuses. "Well, have a good birthday. Luckily you've got Friday. See you next week." He claps my back, jogging to a garbage can with his tray.

For a minute, my hands remain limp at my sides, and I robotically grab one last card off the blue and orange table. Again, a hand rests on my shoulder. The same person empties my armload to a small stack of cards, taking the bulk of packages. "Winn?" I pause, blinking. The lunchroom is almost cleared. Only a few others wander between tables, and the staff run a mop along the floor. "Are you free this evening?"

"I um..." Staring into her brown eyes, I'm met with her pupils flicking from my eyes to the top of my head and my bobbing throat. Her lips form a frown, matching the crinkle running along her forehead. Don't lie. I inhale and exhale, shaking my shoulders. What am I free from? Work? No. Tutoring? No. People? No.