A Beautiful New Wonderland

~{08}~

Anderson: 

I am in love, and with who is a pain in the ass for me. I'm debating if I should tell Alice, if I should resign from Iscariot first then tell her, I honestly have no clue what to do! I'm laying on my bed and resting, my mind swimming with thoughts before I go over to see her to help out with her lessons of the supernatural. I'm shocked to say me and Vlad are getting along. We aren't friends, but we aren't enemies either. I hear my alarm, and let out a groan. If I'm to do this, it's now or never, and cutting ties with Iscariot seem to be the smart move. I love my job, I still feel devoted to God, but if I want to get into a relationship, I have to leave the papacy, and it'll show a sign of trust. I get up and make my way to Maxwell's office, and see him working on documents. 

" Hey, can we talk?" 

" Sure, what's up?" 

" I want to quit Iscariot, and no, I'm not joking. I'm dead serious." 

" What?! Why?" 

" I want to get married, have kids, I want to have a human life for a little while before I die. I'm old as hell, and I deserve a chance at happiness. I can't get that if I'm working here." 

" Oh, and you think we will just let you quit, is that it?" 

" You have to, you can't force me to stay. I served my time and paid off my debts a thousand fold. I, out of everyone here, deserve this." 

" And where will you go?" 

" That's up to me, and no, I'm not telling." 

" Fine, you want to resign, then resign. I hope you find this happiness you so seek. You have been absolved of any crimes you committed, and are free to go. You can keep your catholic status, but are stripped of your priesthood, and you will leave behind all Iscariot property, including garments, bibles, and rosaries. Here, its a check with your lifetime payment from years of service. It'll cash at any bank anywhere you want. I'll give you ten minutes to get your stuff and leave." 

I see the hurt in his face, but I honestly couldn't care. I take the check, remove my cross and set it on his desk. I leave without a word, and go change before packing everything into my suitcase, leaving behind everything else. I pocket the check and go grab a car, driving from Iscariot to Hellsing, telling one of the troops they might want to return the car. I head inside, a hopeful smile on my face, only to feel my heart shatter at seeing Alice locking lips with the vampire, with him sitting in the office chair and Alice poised on his hips in a very lewd manner. Alice sees me, and she backs off quickly with a squeak of embarrassment, quickly fixing herself. The vampire gives me a dirty, petulant look, as if I was the one being rude and ruined his fun.

" Oh, Anderson, um, hi, I didn't know you were here! I'm sorry, seems you caught me at a very inopportune time." 

" The fuck is this?! And here I thought you a woman of class, of decorum and taste!" 

" Alex, what the hell?! I've been with Vlad for well over 3 weeks now, why is that such a surprise? I know we should've talked sooner, but the timing was always bad." 

" I left Iscariot for you...I left my whole livelihood behind for you! I thought if I came here, told you I was free from the church, and told you how I felt, I could finally have my happy ever fucking after, but no, it seems I was too fucking late!" 

" Hey, not her fault you were never honest! You had all the time in the world! You had every opportune time to speak the fuck up, but like a coward, you stayed silent!" 

" I am no coward, but you just had to steal her huh?! Can't let her make a choice, can you? If you knew then why go this far to fuck with me?!" 

" Please, fucking with you is the last thing on my mind. She did make her choice, and she chose me! Now you can either respect it, or you can fuck right off!" 

I was pissed, I was hurt, I was heartbroken. I turn to her, and guilt was on her face, as was regret and pain. 

" Xander...I did care, but I chose Vlad because he was the safe option, he was the smart one. I still want to be friends, I still want to have you in my life, but I am with Vlad and I love him. I know you need a job, what with you leaving Iscariot. My soldiers need a proper instructor on how to hunt and fight. Take today to settle in and whatnot." 

" And what about my feelings, how somehow I fell in love with a bloody fucking Hellsing?! huh? How do I go on living with that, Alice?" 

She gets up from her desk and walks over, giving Vlad the look of 'trust me'. She looks up at me, and gives me that same soft smile that melted my heart. She holds my hands, and regret is caked in her eyes, while pain, hurt, and fear litter her face.

" I'm sorry you feel like that, and that we never talked about this sooner. Had you come to me with this a month ago, shit would be different, but they aren't, and now we live with the choices made and the ripple effects they hold. I'm sorry if I hurt you with my choices, but I will spend a lifetime of making up for it. I know it's not the best situation, but sometimes we just have to take what we get. I'm willing to be your friend, your employer, but as for your lover...I can't give you that, not now, and very likely not ever." 

I drop my bag, kneeling down to be eye level with her, and carefully hold her face, my ability to hide my tears failing, her hands moving to hold herself. 

" I'm sorry I was too late...I'm sorry I never spoke up, that I let my fear control me, that I was a fucking barmy bastard for ever thinking you'd be with me. I don't like it, and I don't have to like it, but I will respect it. My mother might have been a whore and homewrecker, but not me, I won't ruin a happy home. I'll be in the barracks with the other soldiers. I need to go blow off some steam."  

I grab my bag, and leave the office with tears in my eyes, giving the vampire one last dirty look before leaving to the barracks wing where all the soldier's bunked. I found a room that was a single and empty, claiming it and shutting the door, locking it behind me before I let myself sob it out. I was too late, I was too fucking late, and now I paid the price! I knew she cared for the vampire, but I didn't notice it was to this degree. I felt so horrible, so miserable, that I just changed into sleep wear, curled up into bed, and stayed there, crying so hard it put me to sleep.