Me

all consuming

thats what my feelings can be -- all consuming. ive learned how to block most of them out, im pretty proud. however, sometimes it all boils over and consumes me. i feel it all at the same time. i have all of these emotions that i feel, but very rarely if ever, do i get to feel a spark of happiness or even content. when am i the most happy? when im with my favorite people. but what happens when im not with them? im just here. the crazy thing is that no matter how happy  i am in these situations, i am always waiting for the ball to drop. the bitch always fucking drops. i simply cannot rely on others to give me the feeling that i seek, so i just dont know what to do. i cannot win. 

guys, i had a boyfriend for nearly 2 months. lets talk about him. firstly, lets talk about my mother. shes kind of horrible, nothing new. shes always been an angry drunk who just repeats herself and says the worst things just to get a rise out of people. unfortunately that boyfriend was the same exact way. he would get black out drunk and call me names like fag, tweaker, bitch, and n****.... for no reason and completely unprompted. as much as i was starting to like him, i just could not believe that i was willing to settle with what ive been trying to escape my entire life. i truly think i hate my mother, but here i was about to give my heart to someone who is just like her, when ive tried so hard to NOT be like her. im crazy for that. im crazy for thinking that if i just shut my mouth and nodded, that he'd relax. all i managed to accomplish was minimizing myself as a person and allow myself to be controlled and degraded. yes, i have my own addictions, but at least i am aware of them and can acknowledge them. apparently, im the only one that can do so. 

im almost 23 and all that i can say for sure is that im not enough for anyone and i honestly dont think that i ever will be. i have just been floating through this world and this life. i dont have a 5 year plan because if im being honest, i dont want to live that long, its shitty to say and to read, but ive been hanging on by a thread for so fucking long. i dont want to grow old. i dont want to meet someone or to fall in love or to move in together or to get married or to have kids. its plausible that those things could happen to me in this life, but i know ill never truly be happy. i cant bring life into this world when i dont even value my own. the thought is revolting. how can i have a child and encourage them to learn and to be successful when i dont even want to be alive most of the time. my life is so meaningless. i feel like im just this piece of the puzzle who is just here to be a memory. wow, yeah. my brother shouldnt have died, he had so much to give. i wish it was me.

i am a mess and i need help.