Me

Same Chapter

High School...

A time where you begin to learn that the social system is unjust. A time where you either flourish or you don't.. I didn't. A time where you either peak in life or you hit rock bottom, as I did.

I tried to stay away from people because I was afraid that i'd eventually be left alone. Alone with my dark, dark thoughts. The thoughts that I have never had the words to confess to another. But maybe it's time to try.

What can I say other than: I hate myself. Do I hate everything about myself? Not particularly. Ironically, some of the parts that I hate about myself I also admire. Like my ability to know myself so well that I pick up on every emotion that I have. Unfortunately with that I feel so many different emotions at the same time. It's like an over loading pain... like my mind is so loud with thoughts and emotions that all the cries and the screams and the laughter joins together in a chorus. A chorus that I fear will have negative outcomes. I'm trying to hold on but it only gets harder. You think you've passed one obstacle and a very similar one or perhaps even one that is worse comes along.

Another thing I hate about myself is how while I know my emotions to an extent, I can't control them. My anger is still an issue and I realize lately, so is my sadness. The last few months have taught me that even though I have positive things going on, I have a deep pit of sadness that I can't rid myself of. It makes me feel so broken and helpless. I'm not as strong as I once believe or as I have been told. The part of me that people see is this hardened outer layer that I have made but inside, I'm dying.

I want to die sometimes. I will die one day... I just don't know how, but i do think about it. Maybe i'll die peacefully in my sleep at an old age, maybe I'll die in a car accident, maybe I'll be murdered in some gruesome way, or maybe the cause will be one that I won't state. I won't state it because once I do, the idea may formulate into a real possibility. Now, I don't want anyone to be worried about my well-being, I just want to be honest and speak about what I have been going through.

I'm going through a lot.