Life goes on

11

Silence.

There are two types of people the ones who enjoy the sound of nothing, being left alone with nothing but your thoughts. Then their are the other people who enjoy noise, whether it be music or the chirping of birds or even just every day noises that help distract the mind but still give some comfort. I like noise, not loud obnoxious noises but the background sounds of life that make me feel not so alone when I am quite literally alone. Though silence from my friends would some day end up being my villain origin story. It had been four days now since the whole thing happened with Jungkook and Viv and I haven't heard anything really. He wrote me the morning after and said it's done and he's fine but that was it. I had reached out a few times as did Angie but he hasn't responded nor has he been to work.

I tried to surprise him with lunch and Yoongi said he canceled his appointments for the week. I was beginning to get worried that was until I saw him out with Viv, smiles in tact as he clings to her side. Seeing him smiling and out made me feel a little better but still I had a weird feeling in my chest. I stood still just watching them across the way for a moment, I had never seen Viv like this. She had a genuine smile as Jungkook held her close and kissed her neck a few times. They looked happy together and although that should make me feel happy for my best friend I just felt bitter. Though I wasn't sure why the sight made me feel so ill but it did and I didn't like it. Maybe it was because he was silencing me out for the past week. Here I'd been worried about him and he's apparently fine. I only blink when Jungkook lets Viv go and his eyes meet mine, it's like the life got sucked out of him when our eyes met and that made me feel even worse. He looks panicked almost as he glances back at Viv and when he does I start to walk, I didn't want to ruin his day further but the disappointment in his eyes when he seen me made me want to just burst into tears and I honestly had no idea why.

I've only ever wanted him to be happy and he genuinely looked happy so why did his happiness hurt me so much in this moment? I could blame it on Viv and say he deserved better which in fact he did but I know the real reason was because I was jealous. Not because he had someone but because I didn't, I felt so lonely lately regardless of being surrounded by people that loved me. I still managed to feel lonely and hurt by my own stupidity. I'm happy when I reach my car because it was a safe space in my mind. A place I can shed a tear or scream if needed. Starting my car my phone rings and Jungkook's face appears, I hit ignore and start to drive letting silence take over the safe space. It's rare when I let my thoughts take over and let the silence consume me. But as much as I hated the silence it was sometimes necessary in order to let myself feel and go through the motions of my thoughts and feelings. I mindlessly drive as my phone continues to ring I can only hit ignore so many times so I end up turning the thing off.

Mindlessly driving wasn't the safest thing in the world but I was aware enough to not hit anyone or anything. Thankfully it's Friday and I was already off work, I had no plans whatsoever so wherever I ended up would be fine. I hated how much my ex had ruined me, for the most part I was able to live a normal life still but every once and a while he'd linger in my mind and I'd wonder what or how it all went to shit. I had been with this man on and off for three years and never once did he give me an abusive attitude or behavior. It had only happened over the last six months of our relationship, he started to pull away and act cold towards me. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, I wasn't doing enough to make him happy in my opinion. But never in my life did I think he'd beat me for asking questions or checking his phone. I had suspected he was cheating and had asked him if he found someone else and if it were true to just tell me and let me go but something switched in that moment and he hit me.

I was shocked at first I didn't know how to react, he instantly apologized and said it was an accident. I was stupid and let it go for the time being and didn't tell anyone. But after that night it was like something switched and he took it as a green light. He was more aggressive than usual and honestly it didn't bother me much at first until he'd get too aggressive and I'd ask him to stop and he wouldn't. For the first time I was scared of him but again I didn't leave him nor tell anyone. This had gone on for a few months until I was sick of it, the man I had fell in love with was no longer the man I was with and when I told him I wanted to break up he swung and didn't stop. I remember going numb almost instantly and wishing for it all to be over, I had become so depressed by this point I didn't care if I lived. I just wanted it all to stop. When I was just about unconscious he stopped though and I just laid there, he apologized over and over but I didn't move or respond and that pissed him off even more. So he hit me a few more times and left, Jungkook had been trying to get ahold of me for a few days but I ignored him so he showed up at our place and found me. I still remember the look he gave me and it haunts me to this day. I hated myself. But I'm doing my best to move forward these days, every now and then I'll have a set back like today but it supposed to be normal.