When we lose it all

You're Not Him ~ March 2018

It started with something so small. Dec's nerves had been rubbed raw before they even arrived at the ITV offices that morning, every little reminder that only Stephen was with him making his skin itch as he felt more and more out of place. The imposter syndrome overwhelmed him as they sat down for their first production meeting about the show at the end of the week, surprised to feel so uncomfortable when Ant wasn't there as well, even if he'd had seven days to come to terms with that very fact. It didn't make sense that Stephen's presence was suddenly an ineffective antidote to the self-doubt.

They were trying to plan the rest of the series, filling in the gaps that Ant's absence was going to create. Ant vs. Dec was the first thing to go, with Stephen nodding amenably, only to smile reassuringly at Dec a moment later, trying to insist that he didn't mind his main segment getting cut. Dec had no reason to be guilty, but the feeling settled anyway.

Scarlett and Stephen were being integrated into the show far more than normal, and the end routines were starting to become unrecognisable; Dec couldn't imagine stuffing new choreography into his head around everything else. By lunchtime, he felt concerningly out of control, anxious at the thought of presenting a show that didn't feel entirely like it normally did.

He picked over his food, sitting solemnly with Ali as the rest of the production team mingled. He watched Stephen move between a couple of groups, joining with the muted conversation as people quietly avoided the elephant in the room. It wasn't quite jealousy that settled above the thin layer of food that Dec had managed to stomach; he knew Stephen could act far better than he could. The younger man had learnt to fix a mask and put on a brave face. He'd already been doing it this series, before everything with Ant. No one else in the room knew that he was no longer seeing his family – no one except Dec.

Still, Dec knew that his own expression betrayed another sleepless night and his off-white complexion made it clear that he wasn't coping. He couldn't emulate Stephen's demeanour – solemn enough to prove that he was worried about Ant but layered with a composure that Dec couldn't muster.

"Are you happy with the plans so far?" Ali asked quietly, eyes lifting from her phone for a moment. Dec looked away from Stephen and over to her, catching an email on the screen from another journalist. He knew he was being sheltered from a lot already, as much as he could be without being completely out of the loop, and he was still falling apart.

"Doesn't feel right," he replied with a shrug, rushing to continue when her brow furrowed concernedly, "Nothing they can do about that. It's just weird – cutting all the usual parts."

"If anything would make it easier," she started to offer.

"It's not going to," Dec replied abruptly, regretting his own tone when she merely nodded and looked back at her phone. His gaze flickered back to Stephen's profile automatically, seeking some sort of comfort. He was stood with a few members of the props department. A slight frown had broken through the previously level expression he'd managed to wear all morning, his hands buried in his pockets. He looked uncertain; worried, Dec's mind asserted; eventually prompting the other people around him to look in Dec's direction briefly.

The skin-crawling, out-of-place sensation came back all over again – they're talking about you – as Dec ducked his own eyes, determined not to be caught staring. He didn't want them to know he'd caught the three of them either. He didn't want to think about what Stephen might have said, given that the topic was clearly him, to make them glance in his direction.

He hypothesised anyway, scared that the younger man thought he couldn't handle presenting the show on his own. And if Stephen thought that then it was easy to spiral, to believe that the rest of the room had no faith in his ability either. Maybe they were right – maybe the imposter syndrome was valid and he was no one without Ant.