When we lose it all

Trying Again ~ August 2018

"Feeling better?" Ant's eyes were roaming Dec's expression almost as soon as he stepped into the other man's house and he knew he'd never get away with lying, even if he tried. Fortunately, he wasn't worried about telling the truth.

"Yeah," he replied with a slight smile.

"Good." Ant sounded happy, almost relieved. But there was something hanging in the air between them still. Something that wasn't going away until they addressed it. Dec let himself be led into the living room before the apprehension grew too strong.

"You think I should do I'm a Celeb with Stevie," he said quietly, half accusing the younger man. Ant's head tilted to one side as if he was still perplexed about why it was that, out of everything, that had pushed Dec over the edge.

"I thought it would make things easier," he said, "I thought, if there was any way to make this series – fun­ for you, it would be to do it with him."

"Do you really think I'd ever risk losing him too?" Dec surprised himself with his own raised voice, half-wishing he could take the question straight back.

Ant's mouth open and shut comically and then his brow furrowed, something unbelievably gentle in his concern. Dec tried to swallow his own frustration, pushing it beneath the surprise that Ant hadn't shouted back, that he'd merely stopped his pacing and sat on the arm of the chair opposite Dec's perch on the sofa.

"Where's that come from?" he asked quietly.

Dec swallowed again, eyes already burning in that way that made him sure he was about to cry. Because there was only one way to answer that and it threatened to bring everything they'd just tentatively rebuilt crashing down again.

"You."

"Me?" Ant replied, looking unsure for a moment.

"You said it might be impossible to have a functioning relationship," Dec retorted weakly, "You kept bringing him up and it's been making my head spin ever since. Losing you for a while was bad enough and he literally kept me sane. If I lost both of you at once, I wouldn't – there wouldn't be anything left..."

"You haven't," Ant interjected a dangerous line of thought. "You've always had him and you've got me back. I'm sorry I said that – I suppose it was easier to blame the issues my relationship had on the pair of us even when there was proof right in front of me that one of us could do it right."

"But what if you are right?" Dec asked mutely. He rocked his head against Ant's shoulder when he stood in front of him, still trying uselessly to stop the stinging behind his eyes. "What if you're right and one day I'm going to have to choose between you..."

"I wasn't right," Ant said firmly, "Christ, Declan. I've made a mess of this. If you and Stephen worked together, and I'm not saying you should because clearly it isn't what you want, but if you did, you'd get the balance right. The two of you have had enough in your way not to go putting up your own obstacles. He tries as hard as you do to make things run smoothly. Even though sometimes that means one or both of you pretends to be fine or tries to be strong, you're doing it because you care so much about preserving what you have."

"I couldn't lose both of you," Dec murmured again a little redundantly. He moved his little finger consciously against his ring finger, seeking out the reassuring smoothness of metal.

"Stevie's not going anywhere," Ant reassured him again, his voice a low hum against Dec's head. He sighed and the motion went all the way through Dec's body. "And I'm not either. Didn't you see the way he knew exactly what to do yesterday? He knows us better than we know ourselves sometimes."