When we lose it all

Grounding Touches ~ April 2018

Halfway there.

Halfway to disappearing off the face of the Earth for a couple of weeks. Or forever, if he could.

The sun was beating down and Dec was relieved to have opted for a more casual outfit, subconsciously keeping an eye on Stephen who was still dressed in a more formal suit. He knew he'd have been keeping an eye on the younger man regardless of what he was wearing just to stay grounded. Performing in front of such a large, over-excited audience just accentuated the numbness that had settled over him. Every time he had to muster the façade and perform as if nothing was happening on the other side of the world, he felt a part of the real him wither a little further.

Stephen's presence was stopping that as much as Dec thought was possible. An energetic opening number was only tolerable because Stephen was stood at his side singing as well – because he took Dec's microphone from him at the end and whispered 'smash it' as he left the stage.

It was going to be hard to see Ant in the pre-recorded sections they'd already prepared but Dec pushed down any thought like that and tried to concentrate on the next line in the script, the next time he wouldn't be alone on the stage. It made no sense, how much he was relying on the moments when Stephen joined him; faking an awful American accent, messing around to try and make Dec laugh; even though he would never have agreed to present the entire show as a duo.

Stephen knew how to take advantage of the time they did spend together on the stage. He stayed nearby, his elbow brushing Dec's frequently. He didn't blink when Dec reached out, patting his arm in search of some silent reassurance. When they started the 'In for a Cent' VT he followed Dec to the side of the stage and simply rested a hand on the small of his back. It was an understated gesture that Dec didn't think many people would truly understand the meaning of. But it meant they were in it together.

They were both letting a few walls drop, overstepping the boundaries they usually kept in place when Stephen was helping out with Takeaway – when they almost wanted people to forget their relationship beyond the cameras and just accept the jokey dynamic that the younger man had always had with the pair of them. But it was different without Ant; there was almost no reason to keep up that pretence. Dec didn't mind imagining that the added tactility, the way Stephen's hand brushed his back when he left the stage, might remind people that they were married. The rest of the show was hard enough, after all.

Despite everything he was doing, Stephen's presence wasn't enough to keep the low-level nausea at bay. Dec felt sick during every advert break, trying to switch off but constantly having to listen to the next set of instructions from the gallery. The live audience were enthusiastic which would normally keep him going but today reminded him of what he was doing and what he was doing was terrifying. It also meant that every introduction was taking longer than it should and they were editing sections to compensate on the fly, demanding Dec's full attention. He'd hoped to cruise through this finale on autopilot, relying on instincts that had promptly fled without Ant's presence to get him to the end.

And the end did come, eventually. It was only mid-afternoon in Florida but he felt ready for bed, exhausted as if he'd run a marathon. The admin continued though – talking to the audience, thanking the guests, a debrief with the executive producers. All of them seemed to have conveniently forgotten the doubts they'd expressed repeatedly over the last few weeks, full of smiles and congratulations. Dec was stubborn enough to know he wouldn't forget the ones who had doubted he could pull this off though.

His life felt a bit like a to-do list at the moment. Sometimes he got to the end of it and his reward always seemed to be seeing Stephen and then more tasks would join the line and he'd get back on that endless hamster wheel before he was ready to. For now, something that felt like relief chased away the stress.