When we lose it all

Making Lists ~ April 2018

It had been a long six weeks. Ant hadn't gone that long without talking to Dec since they had met. He couldn't really remember not being in contact with Dec at this point, that time locked in the obscurity of childhood.

As the day came for him to leave rehab though, when he was given his phone back and could open their usual chain of messages, he hesitated over what to say. The sight of Anne-Marie in the car park saved him from having to type anything at all though and he slipped his phone into his pocket and guiltily tried to push Dec similarly to the back of his mind.

Anne-Marie had worked with them in the past and had always been a good friend but in recent weeks Ant had felt things taking a turn. When everything had been difficult and when things still were difficult, he had started to look forward to seeing her – using that as a distraction to pull his head out of a darker place. She'd been one of his few points of contact with the outside world recently as well, seeing him so they could discuss work but always managing to segue into something else. Their friendship and working relationship in the past had been distant enough for it not to carry any of the heavy weight of guilt and expectations that he felt surrounding the people he was already closer to - people like Dec.

She smiled as she saw him exit the building, waving unnecessarily to get his attention. Ant waved back a little pointlessly as well and swiftly pushed down the feeling the gesture left him with. He had a lot to figure out on his own before he rushed into something he might regret.

He'd regretted a lot the past few months and, more and more, Anne-Marie was something he didn't want to add to the list.

The day after getting home, Ant's phone was still taunting him from wherever he tried to hide it. He'd asked Anne-Marie if Dec knew he was leaving on the day he did, getting a slightly disbelieving frown as she replied.

"Of course he does," she said incredulously, shaking her head with an amused sort of exasperation. "Did you think he'd forget you?"

Ant had merely smiled sheepishly, feeling that same guilt pool in his stomach. If Dec had known when he was due to leave, wouldn't he have messaged by now? Or was he anxiously waiting for Ant to make the first move?

Again, Ant had tried not to overthink it. They'd taken Hurley out for a walk and he enjoyed seeing his dog after so long and using the fresh air to clear his head. It was nice to spend time with anyone who was a friend after being isolated for the last few weeks. He felt like he'd been absent for far longer than that, trapped in a thick fog that no one seemed able to penetrate. Starting therapy, getting to the bottom of some of it, had made all of his interactions seem far clearer.

The afternoon was only slightly tarnished by the flash of a camera lens from the opposite end of the path as they started to head towards the car again. Ant was used to ignoring such an intrusion, smiling reassuringly at Anne-Marie who looked slightly more uncomfortable when she noticed it.

"Don't worry," he said wearily, "I've been reliably informed they'll get bored sooner or later."

"Ali's been repeating that mantra for weeks," she replied with a faint grin. Ant liked that she didn't shy away from the topic as much as everyone else. She told him things as they were, bluntly but calmly. He didn't want to be wrapped in cotton wool, as much as the break from social media and journalism was a healthy necessity.

When they got back to the car, Ant reluctantly pulled out his phone, quickly getting to Dec's name in his contacts. Everything he typed out sounded too formal or too informal – either far too much or not nearly enough – but he knew he needed to say something now before Dec caught him in The Sun and started asking why the paparazzi got to see Ant before he did.