After the Twilight (Iska Series #1)

19

I feel like I am a ghost in a world of paper humans. Wildfire engulfs every inch of the world I am living in, and now I am surrounded by fire, and everything is burning and falling apart. And I have no control over it. 

It's funny how grief comes so randomly, shoving out the feeling of normalcy and replacing it with an uncomfortable silence to the soul. There is this emptiness in me, a hollow hall inside of me, that if I'd probably scream right now my voice would echo back to me. I feel like a blank canvas, not in a good way where I can be filled with colors that are bright, but in a way that I am just blank and empty. 

I feel as empty as the white ceiling I am staring at right now. 

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ka tagal ako nakatutok sa dingding, maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour. It was only when the 7:00AM alarm went on at bumalik ako sa tamang katinuan. Napabangon ako kaagad, grabbing my phone from the bedside table. 

7:00 AM! 

I am late for class! Marahil dahil halos wala ako sa sarili ay talagang hindi ko na namalayan ang mga naunang alarm. 

I let out a weak groan as I press my palm against my forehead. Kahit pa bilisan ko ang kilos ko ay talagang hindi na ako makakahabol sa klase. This is so unlike me! I am never absent. I have never missed a class my entire life, kahit inaapoy na ako ng lagnat ay napipilit ko pa rin ang sarili na makapasok. 

I let out another sigh, biting the inside of my cheek as I close my eyes tight. 

"Gosh, Celeste," I curse to myself. 

I stare at my phone, watching the minutes go by. I can't believe this. With another groan, I turn my phone on "Do Not Disturb" and toss it across the other side of the bed. I aggressively run my fingers through my hair, scratching my scalp in frustration. 

I cannot believe the disappointment I am becoming, and all because I have become distracted by the misfortunes of my life. I have never let anything distract me, not this much na namimiss ko ang mga klase ko. 

For the first in my life, I decided to miss class. Isang subject lang naman ang mayroon ako ngayong araw, and only a discussion of last meeting's exam, which I aced. 

"Ngayon lang," bulong ko sa sarili ko as I swing my legs off the bed. 

Siguro, kahit ngayon lang, hahayaan ko ang sarili kong maging tao, and not the robot everyone expects me to be. Hell, I lost a parent, kahit pa sabihin na hindi ko naman talaga nakilala ang totoo kong ina, namatayan pa rin ako in some sense. 

And I guess, in some sense, mas masakit naman talaga mamatayan ng taong hindi man lang ako nabigyan ng pagkakataong makilala. 

Para akong nakalutang sa ulap so I pace around my room, trying to push myself to at least get ready. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin, ang klaseng namiss ko, ang pagkamatay ng nanay ko, o si Enzo. 

Napatigil ako sa pagsusuklay ng basang buhok ng biglang pumasok sa isip ko si Enzo. How random, the way he invades my thoughts. Napatingin ako sa sarili sa salamin as last night's happenings play back in my head. Parang pelikula kong nakikita ang sariling nakakalong sa mga bisig ni Enzo, him trying to stop the pieces of me from falling apart as I break. 

It's like I could hear his whispers again when I close my eyes. "Breathe, baby. Breathe. I am here."

Parang kahit hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa rin ang higpit ng yakap niya, the way he rocks me, as if lulling me like a child. I don't know how long he stayed with me, but I'm sure he was the one who carried me to bed and tucked me in. I was so out of it that I don't even remember him leaving my side.