Ramblings of a Misanthropic Geek

Great Expectations

So about a year and a half ago I attended mandatory parent-teacher-student conferences for my grade school. My 8th grade teacher praised my achievements but then commented that she felt I was self-driven. I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing, but the way that she said it made it seem like she thought I would self-drive myself to suicide in college or something. She asked if I agreed that I was self-driven and I nodded. I figured it would be better to agree than to opt for the other option: external pressure.

I am actually a somewhat self-driven person. I enjoy seeing good grades on my tests and work to achieve them. I like to earn academic recognition, although I'm not a fan of the spotlight. I like exceeding people's expectations. However, I know my limitations. I don't push myself to insanity, nor do I stress over the occasional bad grade. Nobody's perfect. I know that I can't be the best and that's fine with me.

It's not fine with other people, however. My mom puts unbelievable pressure on my siblings and I to do well. Sometimes I wish that I had set a lower standard so that we wouldn't have to constantly measure up to such a lofty one. She's content when we do exceptionally, disgruntled when we do well, and downright livid when we do mediocrely. Maybe it sounds like she's one of those moms who just wants to see her children do well. Maybe. But I think her expectations are too high.

Need some examples? My brother is a straight A(+) student and probably somewhere near the top of his class. He might live in my shadow but he's starting to cast a mighty big one himself. To a lot of people he's still Juliana's brother, but I get the feeling that eventually I will be Nate's sister, if you understand what I'm saying. Anyway, he recently received an 80 on a theology test. I'll admit that this isn't a great grade (for Nate), but he was sick a lot before the test and I've always found theology tests to be rather ambiguous. Also, Nate's 12. I doubt this test will affect the course of his life. My mom, however, flipped out. She grounded him for like two weeks and screamed at him for half an hour. Maybe some of you think this was deserved. I don't.

How about this one? Both my brother and I were in our grade school's Honors Math program. The idea is that by the end of 8th grade we would have completed 9th grade math. My sister isn't as intelligent as Nate and I but she's not stupid. To get into our Honors Math program you need to receive a 90 in Math and an 85 in Reading on your Terra Novas each year from fourth grade on. She didn't make this mark. My mom was devastated and disappointed. To be honest I had hoped that all my siblings would have made Honors Math but that's improbable and I'm not going to disown them if they don't. My sister was sad, but my mom acted like she had just sealed her fate and would never achieve anything. I found this annoying.

Still not convinced? I'm currently taking AP World History as a freshman in high school. AP courses are basically college-level material taught with the non-collegiate-ness of its pupils in mind. It's not an easy course and it causes me and my friends a good deal of stress. We had an AP Exam in May that determined whether or not colleges would accept the credits for this course so we wouldn't have to take it in college. The test was three hours long and consisted of 75 multiple choice questions and three complex, very specifically and harshly graded essays. There's a huge emphasis on seeing the big picture and having "skills" (still not sure what skills we're supposed to have). I came home with my third quarter report card. I had received an 96 in that class. My mom sucked in her breath and said, "Ooh. Is there any way you can pull that up? A 96 is kinda low, don't you think? You're gonna have to improve that." NO, NO I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK A 96 IN AN AP COURSE IS PERFECTLY FINE, IF NOT REALLY GOOD.

And now it's a catch-22 because if I do well in school then my mom raises her expectations and I have to work even harder to do even better. On the other hand, if I attempt to beat the system by not doing super well, then she gets really mad and sets lofty goals to encourage me to do well or something. I don't pretend to understand.

In conclusion, I think my mom pushes my siblings and I too much. She can't seem to accept that her children aren't always going to be the best at everything they do. She really gets on my nerves sometimes and I really want to tell her FUCK OFF but she'd probably just smash my phone for vulgarity and backhand me across the face.

I think I'm done ranting.

Wait.

JESUS CHRIST MOM STOP PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME.

Okay I'm good.