Ramblings of a Misanthropic Geek

Stressed Out

Okay so I've just been really, really stressed out lately and it sucks.  This happens every so often to me.  I have this sort of stress-induced panic attack/mental breakdown type thing.  It's not always from anything specific - although it can be - it's usually more like I'm drowning in To-Do lists and projects and then something just sends me over the edge.  

Right now, I'm a sophomore in high school in all honors courses with one AP (European History).  I typically have three-five assessments (quizzes, tests, etc) a week, plus homework.  At this point, I have one or two quick homework assignments a night - a math worksheet, a spanish workbook page, etc.  And then my fucking crazy theology teacher will throw some huge assignment at us about once a week and it will be very confusing or very time consuming.  

And then there's AP Euro.  Oh, how that class makes me want to murder someone.  It's an AP course, and one of the hardest history APs that I will be able to take.  I know, in the back of my mind, that I knew it was going to be difficult and that it is an AP course, after all, and that everything we do will help prepare us for the AP exam, but oh my fucking god it's hell.  There are lots of projects and presentations and research shit.  And then there are these "Required Reading Questions", which are basically super detailed and long worksheets we have to fill out as we read the textbook.  It starts as a five page Google Doc and I've done like 2% of it, but I bet it will be like 15 pages long by the time I'm done.  Oh, and we've got like six days to do it.  Because that's a reasonable amount of time.

LIKE WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL???  I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.  I ACTUALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW BADLY I DO ON THE AP EXAM BECAUSE THE COLLEGES I'M GOING TO BE "STRONGLY ENCOURAGED" TO GO TO DON'T ACCEPT A LOT OF AP EXAM SCORES (EVEN 5s).  SO FUCK THIS SHIT.

If I here the phrase "as budding historians, you should..." one more time, I'm going to go crazy.  

It's not just schoolwork.  I'm also involved in some clubs (granted, not a lot, but that's only because I knew stupid AP Euro would take up a ton of my time).  Plus, I have to babysit my siblings several times a week.  And maybe I've got this thing called a life where I like want to hang out with my friends like once a month or something.  OH YEAH AND SLEEP.  APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.  I CAN'T RUN ON LESS THAN SIX HOURS OF SLEEP EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I'M GOING TO CRASH AND BURN ONE DAY AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY.

I'M JUST GOING TO GO TO CAPSLOCK NOW BECAUSE IT'S MORE CONSISTENT WITH MY MOOD.  I'M HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK I HATE THIS.  I DON'T LIKE START SHAKING OR ANYTHING I JUST SORTA SHUT DOWN MENTALLY AND START SOBBING AND I CAN'T READ OR CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING WHICH MEANS IF I HAVE ONE OF THESE THINGS I'M BASICALLY SCREWED FOR HOMEWORK FOR THAT NIGHT.  I CAN LIKE LOOK AT THE SAME QUESTION FIVE TIMES AND NOT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT LIKE MY READING COMP SKILLS GO *BOOP* RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW LIKE THANKS GUYS I DIDN'T NEED YOU OR ANYTHING WHATEVER JUST LEAVE ME NOW.  I FEEL SO DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS AND EVERYTHING SEEMS TO IMPOSSIBLE AND I JUST WANT TO CURL UP IN A LITTLE BALL AND DIE.

THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE TO DO VERY WELL ACADEMICALLY BUT ALSO BE A TOTALLY WELL-ROUNDED PERSON AND TO HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AT ALL TIMES AND HONESTLY I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THAT PRESSURE.  I'M JUST A KID AND I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO LIVE UP TO ALL THESE IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.  IF YOU PUSH ME TOO HARD I'M GOING TO BREAK (GOD I'M STARTING TO SOUND LIKE PETE WENTZ'S EMO POETRY OH DEAR)

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO I CAN TALK TO EITHER (BESIDES YOU GUYS, MOST OF WHOM ARE MY IRL FRIENDS ANYWAY).  LIKE MY PARENTS WOULD PROBABLY TRY TO COMFORT ME OR MAYBE GIVE ME A CUP OF TEA BUT IN THE END THEY DON'T PROVIDE THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT THAT I NEED AND I HAVE VERY FEW FRIENDS WHO DO.  SHOUT-OUT TO fading_light_ & redrubyslippers - IT'S YOU GUYS.  ILY SO MUCH & THNKS FR RVTHNG.

If you're actually depressed or you go through this every day, I both pity you and admire you for somehow finding a way to keep on going.  These episodes really suck for me.  I'm usually fine, but every once in a while I just can't.  It's like if you were swimming in the ocean and you've managed to keep your head above water thus far but then the waves get really fucking high and someone comes up next to you on a boat and drops an AP Euro textbook on your head and rows away yelling "DO THIS RRQ FOR CHAPTER 13 IT'S DUE TUESDAY"

Thanks for listening guys.  I would keep writing but I've got to go do homework hahahaha fml I'm not getting any sleep this week.

Also if you take AP Euro or are considering taking it, go for it.  The difficulty of the course does vary on the teacher.  However, a word from the wise: IT MAY VERY WELL SUCK SO BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DECISION MAKING