Head Down

Chapter 39

A/N: Last chapter -short and nsweet. I love y'all so much, bye bye now. See you guys in the spinoff? Dedicated to canalla because she helped me edit the scene that never made it -also she's awesome. Hopefully this will resolve all of your guys' questions.

Let me know what you think?

XOXO

KATIE'S POV

I was out the door. After dashing over the John and Katz's corpses -empty with just a breath of soul still inside of them- I felt so heavy on the inside, but physically I can fly. Anything to get away from the blood, the people who must surely hate me now. Down the walk, towards the drive.

Getawaygetawaygetaway....

Images still smack my brain this way and that, Nate's bloody teeth playing a sick tennis match with John's terrible presence in the very doorway I just left. That, I know, will always be a little reminder of today for all those in the house. It certainly will for me. I want oh so desperately to stay, to change directions and make amends with the people who just defended me but -all that blood. All this anger shaping a hole in my gut not dissimilar to a black hole. Everything I've ever been unable to do -scream, run, fight, and relate, love, trust- stares me in the face, all with flimsy walls between them and reality crumbling to dust.

I'm running because I'm scared. I'm running because I'm a freaking coward who doesn't deserve that boy behind me. I'm running because I killed those people behind me, inadvertently but it was most certainly my fault, and harming others is the one thing I fear most for myself. I'm running because I don't want to hurt all of those people behind me. I run because-

I reach the driveway, and don't hesitate in the car I choose. The one with the engine running, wallets inside, and keys in the ignition. Most probable out of it and the Volvo to have a full tank of gas. John's Saturn. Practically diving into the scratchy, old fashioned grey cloth seats, I slam the door behind me before anyone can make chase. It bangs with a sort of heart ripping finality that I know will be but the start of a drowning sea of despair. It's Nate, all Nate, and I'm leaving. Never to see him again.

I put the car in gear, pulling myself into a more vertical position while simultaneously backing out the driveway. Every inch the speedometer rises, every second the clock on the dash ticks by I can feel myself drift away from sanity. The strongest of pulls begins in my stomach, begging for me to turn the car around. By the time the shaky car has carried me from the woods and onto a more public road it's spread throughout my whole chest.

Gobackgobackgoback...

No. I won't do that to them. Not strong Caitlyn or sweet Claire or quiet Everett or kind Castor or or or...

It's nothing but turmoil. An angry ocean churning inside my stomach as I drive myself further and further away from the Ashton residence. My home.

~

April 27

I'm at a gas station on one of the thousands of roads I've driven on since the 23rd -the day I left. The city, state, road name, temperature, and every other geographical or topographical marker are past my realm of comprehension and honestly care. I'm being swallowed whole, not by the blindingly hot sun above me or the black monster snake of asphalt across dead grass or the absolutely endless slab of emptiness that is The United States, but by me. I'm a monster, venom spreading through my brain every time I think of Home. Which is every time I think. While I slip my little magic credit card I believe was Katz's through the plastic mouth required to pump gas into the Saturn -always gas, my boundless energy hasn't allowed me to set foot near nourishment- I can't help it. It's all I guess I have now, the memories. The golden planes I've now seen and the deep green forest and the deadly pains of guilt and self loathing and homesickness are not mine -only those who have helped me. Only the necklace around my neck. Another tear travels down my cheek, wet and crystalline, one in the long and surely endless line that began to march as soon as I passed the YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MURPHY sign on the outskirts of town. There is nothing and no one I hate more than myself, and the only emotion that rivals this would be how much I miss Nate. The sound of his voice, the feel of his skin, the sparkle in his green eyes. It's all I have left.