Dear Journal

Chapter 3

THEO'S POV

I bring my JUUL to lips and take a hit, breathing in deeply I close my eyes as the thick smoke enters my lungs before I part my lips and let out a puff of grey that clouds in front of my eyes before swiftly disappearing in the wind.

Leaning against the hood of my car as I stare over the mountains and into the city that surrounds me I look up into the sky and stare back at the stars. I can't help but have the feeling that someone is watching me and with another puff of smoke I advert my eyes elsewhere.

This wasn't knew for me, smoking in the mountains as I fight with my thoughts was something that I've gotten used to. I tear myself down just to make sure I can feel something. Sure, sometimes it works but for the most part it's just me losing myself day by day.

My mind is slowly going numb and I can almost feel myself being taken away and thrown into the darkness that's slowly consuming me. The darkness is familiar yet unfamiliar and even though I'm not scared of it, I can't help but wonder what happens after being completely consumed by it.

Darkness.

All around you, nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. Isn't that what this already is though? I feel as if I'm already in the pitch black with no way out, no exit, just an endless void around me and every time I run in a certain direction I always find myself back in the same emptiness.

You'd think I'd be sick of it, of seeing the same thing over and over again, hearing the same thing constantly but to be completely honest, I'm not. I don't mind it, I used to be scared knowing that no matter how far I ran I would never find a way out.

It's almost comforting now and the only thing that scares me is finding a way out. It's as if the roles of my mind have been reversed. I don't want to leave this darkness because as much as I hate to admit it. As much as it makes me want to pull my hair out, I'm afraid of stepping into the light.

Because once I do, once the light shines on me I'll be the center of attention and that thought makes me uncomfortable, it makes me want to hide even more. More than I am now if that's even possible.

By now, you would had to have noticed that your journal is missing, after all it's basically the center of your life. I know you depended on it, on your silly journal that you write all your sad stories in but you need to know how it feels. You need to know what's it's like to have something important taken from you.

Something that sentimental must mean so much to you and you made it too easy. All I did was walk into your room and there it was for everyone to see. Almost as if you wanted someone to read it. You didn't even bother getting a journal with a lock but even then, a lock can be broken.

As I read through it I felt disgusted. How could you make such stories up? I knew you were stupid, but to this extent? My hands clench into fists and I let out a sour laugh, my voice almost echoing through the trees.

Once everyone hears about your stories you'll be nothing but an attention seeker and a liar. You've always been first in our stupid little family, it's always been you. Oh Y/n this, Y/n that. I could never get your name out of my head.

There wasn't even a little "Oh Theo I love you so much." or a "Theo, I'm so proud of you, let's go celebrate.". It's only ever been, "Theo! how could you do something like this?" and "I can't even recognize you anymore", don't forget the "I'm disappointed in you Theo."