Chapter 5:

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Tara

I stayed awake the whole night baking. That's my go to thing to keep me sane when I want to lose it.

Even tho I couldn't stop my mind from wandering back to when me and Dez had our first official break up.

Me and Zain went to his college wanting to surprise him. I went there just to end up looking fuckin stupid. He really didn't even want us to come there I found out why when I got there.

His roommate and his girlfriend didn't even know about me. They were hype to finally see Zain in person, but when they seen me they were like you must be the baby mama?

That's the first thing that threw me off.

"Yeah I'm his mom and Dez's girlfriend." They both looked surprised, but horribly tried to cover it up. "Yeah you guys are bullshit cover ups. So you didn't know about me?"

"Uh yeah, yeah we did." The roommate says still lying for Dez. I didn't fault him tho. He didn't have any loyalty to me, he didn't even know me.

No wonder I got dirty looks from bitches all over this campus when I was with Dez.

I was pissed off and ready to go, but didn't wanna take son from his dad since he was so excited to see him.

"What's wrong with you?" Dez asks later on when it was just us. I've been being quiet and brushing him off me whenever he tried to feel on me. I wasn't with it at all.

"So this is why you would rather come home instead of us coming here. You're out here living the single life. I look so fuckin stupid right now." I lifted my head back trying to keep the tears that burned to release at bay.

"Tara-" He started to say something. Most likely some more bullshit, but I cut him off.

"I would have rather you end things with me before going off cheating. It's a little too late now, but I'll do it for you."

"Tara don't do that. It's not even like that you already know nobody comes before you."

.....

I remember after that hoes would find me on IG and tag me in their side chick pictures with Dez sleep next to them. Some would even get my phone number and text me bullshit.

They were going hard to prove something I already knew, yet single Dez still wasn't fucking with them on the level they wanted.

"Where's Zain?" Dez asks breaking me out of my thoughts when he comes downstairs into the kitchen.

I didn't even realize it was already morning.

"My mom came and got him this morning." I answered putting the last of the dishes into the dishwasher.

"Oh ard. You seen my phone?" He asks looking around.

"Living room table." I said.

"Is there a reason my phone is smashed the fck up?" Dez asks walking back into the kitchen with it.

"Oh yeah one of your hoes called and texted, well shit she might even be ya girl since her number is actually saved and that's new for you. Anyways, I might have got a lil mad and smashed the shit into pieces."

"A lil fuckin mad?"

"I didn't bust you upside ya head with it so yeah, a lil mad."

"You fuckin trippin. It's not even like that you already know-"

"Nobody comes before me." I finished along with him. "You said that same shit four years ago and like I said before, it's obviously like that."

"I heard it all before Dez. So save it, for once. You can go now, thanks for the dick." I say patting his stomach then going upstairs.

Somehow I ended up in my walk in closet sitting on a bin looking at old pictures of me and Dez. From when I was 15 and pregnant with Zain to when he was 18 and off to college.

I began crying not able to hold it in anymore.

Tell myself I wouldn't cry when you're gone, but I know it's easier said than done. Look at me, look at me, choked up now. Try to tell you but it won't come out.

Dez walks in wrapping his arm around my center from behind, "Stop crying Tara."

"Get off me. I hate you." I said quickly moving to get him off me.

"You don't mean that." He mumbled looking down.

I didn't.

"I love you Tara. You know that."

"Stop! Stop fucking saying that! You don't even mean it. What is love Dez? What the fuck is love Dezmin!?"

He just stood there quiet staring at me.

"You don't even fuckin know." I whispered stepping back from him wiping my eyes.

"I just think it's time for me to be by myself for awhile and you can go do your thing with this Teyana chick. I'll find the right guy for me when the time is right."

I stood on my toes to kiss his cheek then smiling sadly up at him and walked away from him.

.....

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