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Chapt. VIII: Turquoise Glow

Indulgent
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Chapter VIII: Turquoise Glow
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Flashback

I laid in bed, smiling whilst looking at her face. I wanted to drink in the beauty of her features before I left. Those three months will be hell without her. Her naked back stirred and she turns her head, fluttering her eyes open. She smiles cheekily as soon as she sees me, a look I also want to remember.

"Hello baby," she says, lifting her hand to touch my face. "Good morning."

I couldn't stop the sudden need to cry as I remembered, three months. I would die in there, I don't know how but I couldn't believe in myself to make it trough being so far from her. She sighed noticing my nostalgia and leaned in to kiss me. I grabbed her hand to keep it in my cheek, trying to get my shit together. Alexandra hated it when I cried, she hated seeing me with a weak side. And I do too.

"It's just three months, baby, I will be outside the door waiting for you."

"Let's run away," I said determined. "Let's go, buy a plane ticket and go around the world."

"Irina you're scared," she reminds me. She also hates it to see me scared, and I do too, I shouldn't be scared- I'm fearless. Right? "Look at me." I look into her gorgeous, deep brown eyes. "Don't be afraid, I will wait for you a lifetime, baby. You're strong and stubborn and determined, they can't hurt you."

"Alexa they're already hurting me, taking you away from me," I croak, and she begins to coo, wrapping her arms around me. She cups my face and begins kissing me, undoing the clasps in my bra. "Just three months baby, like summer camp, you'll be fine, I promise."

I nod and she turns over to straddle me, leaning down and kissing me. She removes my bra and kisses my neck so soft, it only emphasizes the warm soft feeling of her hands caressing my naked body. I don't wanna forget, I don't wanna let go, I don't wanna have to move on. I won't allow her to move on.

Present

I take a deep breath and hold in my sobs. I lift my head up and stare off into the cave, my mind swimming with memories. My latest one of the outside mostly, remembering her. I thought I wouldn't last, and till today I'm not sure, but pushing her out of my head helps a lot. Every day feels more... Detached to my outside life more and more. Social Apps seems like a time-trashcan, parties seem like a time-trash can too, my family seems surreal, and my life seems like a joke. In here? Every single breath feels like a bless, like a privilege.

If Alexa were here she'd make everything look so easy. But she isn't here, and easy isn't how the world truly is. The world is hard and harsh, Alexa seems like a bubble to me. No matter how much I love her, she'll always be that, the fun shortcut. She'll be the carelessness and selfishness of life, she can cover the sad truth with an non-indulgent laugh. She's the girl you met too young, the girl you went wild for, the girl that didn't belong to you but belonged to the world.

But she isn't here to make us laugh without indulgence at the situation. Wether that was a a good thing or a bad thing in my life, I didn't knew, all I know is that I have to stop missing someone I might never see again.

I look down at the sharp piece of rock, it screamed to touch the surface of my skin, and I screamed back to never do it again. But it spoke softly, with soothing, numbing voice, reminding me of what it felt like to drag something sharp against my skin.

I felt shitty about myself. Going through detox might've freed me of drugs but it didn't free me of a few monsters under my bed. This is one of them, meet cutting. He's been a monster under the bed when my grandma died at the age of twelve. I felt disgusting, what freak would cut themselves for ages? But I loved it, I was insanely in love with the numbness of it. The small tingling pain was enough to make me forget the sorrow of loosing Nana, but then as I lost more people, as I lost myself, I dug deeper.