Faithfully yours

Chapter Eight

Chay hated goodbyes. He was scared. The cold wind that blew over him as his internals boiled, left an unsettling feeling behind, a feeling of pure loneliness. He felt like walking on a busy road, seeing the cars pass, watching people live, seeing the hustle of everyday life, hoping to find moments where he's not left alone with his thoughts, not alone with himself. He hated the stillness, watching everything unravel, the slow agonising fear breeding from the stomach, travelling through the blood and settling into the muscles, leaving you frozen and out of touch with reality. Sprinkles of tears always pooled in his eyes, never being brave enough to escape, only to prove a moment of courageousness. He thought he would be desensitised to these everyday nonchalant acts of goodbyes, like Kim was to any grieving news. It was not the case, however.

Some Days he woke up curled in on himself, his knees touching his chin, tightly gripping the blanket, heavy breathing but no recollections of a nightmare. Some Days he stayed awake, cornering himself on the edge of his room, looking down through the glass windows and into the darkness. Stuck in a loophole of thoughts, too scared to leave, too scared to make a sound, no way to escape but to pray for tomorrow to come faster. Other days he was fine, stuck in a fast-paced rhythm, the world not allowing him to be cornered in his own mind. Those were his favourite days, being pushed around by the rush of life. Some specific days however, were worse than others. The aftermath of too many good days, too many days of neglecting his mind, neglecting himself. Those hit at moments of pure happiness, at the tip of feeling the raw emotions of being alive, feeling loved, feeling safe. They take over by surprise, one moment you're smiling to yourself at the calmness of feeling carefree and the next, your mind becomes foggy, the love being replaced by hazy memories, the want to confine yourself in the jail of your own mind overriding any rational emotions.

Chay had a hard time leaving his own mind, finding it easier to smile through the day and suffer through the night. It was much easier to not worry the people around him, much easier to not expose the broken him, the tormented part of him that would have people feeling disgusted, disheartened and more specifically, disappointed. Chay's sleep with Kim was the best rest he had gotten in years, the first time in three years he didn't need to be medicated to close his eyes. It felt quite stupid at times to Chay, being surrounded by people who witness death daily but could wash those thoughts off and live their lives, whilst Chay couldn't get himself to bed without gulping down two round tablets filled with loopiness on a perfectly fine day.

Chay had always had trouble falling asleep, ever since he could remember, to the point he believes it to be part of his personality. During his younger years however, he was much better, he wasn't as affected, being able to get enough rest for a growing boy. Those years were spent in the warmth embrace of his brother, tightly cuddling Porsche and having his secure arms providing him with all the comfort he required to fight his demons. Chay wasn't sure if Porsche was aware of his sleeping issues, as the brother had never mentioned anything and Chay had never needed to say it out loud to Porsche.

After Chay turned eighteen years of age, he left home, around the same time Porsche had also left home. The house felt suffocating, as if he was being put at gun point at each passing moment, dreading the moments that the day ended, and it was his time to go home. After an extensive amount of begs, promises and cries, Chay was given permission to live out of the house, at an apartment complex the family owned in the centre of the city. Though it wasn't Chay's first option, knowing he would be out of the thick atmosphere that seemed to aggravate his dangerous thoughts, Chay moved straight away, wanting this new beginning to rest his memories, painting them in beautiful floral arts. As this was also the beginning of first year of university, Porsche was very lenient with bodyguards, only assigning two to Chay instead of the group of men that followed Chay like a herd during high school.