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Jongwoo has returned home.
The final stage has ended. From last winter to now, when spring has ripened, the marathon that ran relentlessly for half a year has ended. Did I finish it? He participated in the final but failed to debut. How should I define that?
A happy ending where I ran my best until the finish line? A sad ending where I couldn't reach the finish line in the end? Or is it a merry bad ending where I failed in the eyes of others, but sacrificed my best and found meaning in it?
The meaning. It's difficult to narrate what meaning was contained in all that time. For now at least.
However, he was surprised that vague hatred could be so intense and concrete without any basis. What did I do wrong, he wondered but immediately dismissed the thought. He had stopped entertaining such doubts a long time ago.
In their eyes, his very existence has been all wrong from the beginning. There is just vivid evil in this world, and the arrow of that evil poured down on him by chance.
But there was something else that was as surprising as baseless hatred. The unconditional and bottomless love that became a shield for him.
Every day they voted for him, begged for just one vote around them, raised funds for him, did events, ran YouTube streaming... cry, laugh, and cling together for him. People who wish for his happiness with as much, or perhaps even more, earnestness as he does...
Does this make sense? What am I after all? A nobody. If he said such things loudly, however, they would shout that you are a star and light for us.
Thinking about that, there is no reason to feel unfairly treated. Just as there is no reason he should receive such hatred, no reason at all he should receive such love. Life may not always follow a logical cause-and-effect pattern.
If Jongwoo realized anything through the program, it is that the most valuable thing in life is just given. You can't buy it with money or beg for it. It just happens like magic, without any reason to validate.
All he can do is be grateful for the magical love given to him and breathe happiness within it. Instead of doubting why people like me or being afraid of when this love will disappear.
Still, there is one thing that bothers him. He is just an independent trainee who participated in a survival show and failed to debut. If someone like me is soaked with such boiling hatred and love, what kind of life are the real stars living? Is it even possible for a human being to handle that?
He is worried about Jiwoong of all the stars.
***
During the program, it felt like it was everything in the world, but now that it's over, it feels strangely indifferent. His final rank was 18th, a rank that he wouldn't have been able to climb even if there was a screen split for the potential survivor in the middle of the show. If he had reached 10th place, would it have been more bitter to endure than it is now?
Anyway, one thing he can say with confidence is that he did his best. That's why he feels relieved.
The last live broadcast rises in his mind like shattered glass, some pieces large and some pieces so tiny that they can't be recognized. Among them, the most vivid piece is the moment when Jiwoong's name was called out for the first time.
8th place? Jiwoong who was 3rd until just before the finals, is in 8th place? It was an absurd number, but Jongwoo was still happy.
Jiwoong was the first to leave this torturing podium and could now sit high up and wait comfortably. Jongwoo hugged Jiwoong with all his might, holding back his tears by closing his eyelids. A feeling of finality made his arms involuntarily tense.
Jongwoo finally let go of him after realizing that other trainees barely managed to pat Jiwoong's back as he was monopolizing Jiwoong. But he kept turning back to Jiwoong because there was no other way to pass on his feelings that I'm so happy that you made it.
Despite the Star Master's urging to come out, Jiwoong couldn't seem to leave.
The next piece is blurry. After the 9th-place announcement, there was a serene piano melody, and Jiwoong stood high up, stealing glances at Jongwoo and wiping away his tears. When Jiwoong turned away to hide his tears, Jongwoo did the same because he wanted to end with a smile.
However, when Jiwoong came down to the podium and put his arm around his shoulder, Jongwoo couldn't take it anymore. He cried and cried, clinging to Jiwoong's waist. Don't really want to remember that now...
There were so many things he wanted to do once the program was over and he left the dormitory. Ironically, though, he couldn't even sleep in. He just woke up in the morning, exercised, and since he didn't want to be alone at home, he went to the practice room. Without a group to go back to or a stage to prepare for.
Jongwoo forced a bitter smile, but instead of dwelling on pointless worries, he chose to move his body. While his friend who practiced with him went to a convenience store, he played Love Killar on the speakers.
- Predictable ending, pass it.
Life is different from songs, of course. He must accept the predictable ending that was given to him. We loved each other but had different paths to take, so this is how it ends. Jongwoo searched his jacket pocket and took out a white name tag with the clear letters, Kim Jiwoong.
It was a prop that Jiwoong had worn on the Say My Name stage. In the ending pose, Jiwoong pointed his finger and sent a heart sign. That gesture was so firm that Jongwoo could almost hear the words, "You, and no one else." With a shock that pierced his heart at that finger, Jongwoo momentarily stopped reacting.
After the shooting was over, he sat next to Jiwoong.
"When you graduated, did you give a name tag to the person you liked?"
"Well, I don't really remember."
"That must have caused a commotion. Didn't they have to take a number and line up outside the gate?"
Jiwoong affectionately patted his head and chuckled.
"Hey, I am not a bank. They can't get it just because they take a number and wait, you know. I only do things when I really mean it."
He turned to face Jongwoo and their gazes met.
"Jongwoo, call me."
"Hyung."
"Besides that."
"Jiwoong Hyung."
"You're pretending not to notice?"
Jongwoo said his name at last, bowing his head to hide his flushing face.
"Kim Jiwoong."
Jiwoong grabbed his hand and handed him the name tag.
"It's yours now."
Jongwoo tried to refrain, but couldn't help saying a thing.
"What? The name tag or Kim Jiwoong?"
"You still don't know that?"
Jiwoong's lips approached as if waiting. Despite feeling embarrassed as if he had pulled off a stunt, begging for a kiss, it was sweet. It became even sweeter as it went like adding another spoonful of sugar.
