𝘀𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗳𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗱, josh richards

eighteen

February 22nd 2023
1:54 am

"Josh I can- what the fuck?" She stuttered, clearly taken aback. Speechless, confused and shocked.

"I don't care if you don't feel the same way, I just need you in my life! If you want we can forget about everything and just go back to how things were before! And I know you finish school beginning of April and I want you to come back to LA with me, just for the summer at least! It doesn't even have to be the whole summer just-" He pleaded. He kept rambling, this was definitely his ADHD brain kicking in. Hastily she leaned across the console placing a delicate kiss on his lips. It was the only thing she could think of to shut him up. Clearly he was shocked.

"I love you" He reiterated as she pulled apart from him. "Come back to LA please"

She was unsure of what she had just done. Sure she loved him, she had for years, but did that mean she needed to be im a relationship with him this very second? She knew she mentally wasn't in the right place, especially to be in a relationship. She didn't want to drag him down with her.

"Josh" She finally spoke, her voice coming out completely raw. "I just I, fuck" She muttered as she watched his face drop. "Josh I can barely fucking take care of myself and if I can't take care of myself how can I be in a fucking relationship? God I love you so fucking much and I don't know how to deal with all this and UGH" She screamed clearly getting frustrated, not knowing how to deal with all the unclear emotions she'd been oppressing for so long. Tears fell from her eyes as she took a deep breath in.

"Did you say you loved me?" He sincerely half teased. He thought he was hearing things.

"Josh that's not the point"

"If you're saying that you're not ready for a relationship then that's fine. I just want you to be able to talk to me. I'll wait for you, Vada I'd wait billions fuck trillions of years alone in a desert with nothing if it meant I could be with you. Properly be with you, not whatever the fuck we had for so many years. If properly being with you means I have to wait for you to be ready then I can do that"

"I can't ask you to do that"

"Vada" He paused, sincerity washing over him. "I just want you to let me in. Forget everything else, just let me in please" He begged.

"Josh how can you wait for me if I don't even know what the fuck is wrong" She sighed. "There's days I have fucking blacked out because I'm so fucking dissociated. I'm high more than I'm sober and I'm just barely getting by"

"What do you need me to do"

"Time. I just need time. Just a little bit of time. I'm done school in April. Let me get sober and I can be yours"

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4/12/2023 & 5/5/2023 & 5/21/2023

i was leaving union station after the sabrina carpenter show on friday when i found out nothing new was played at nashville that night im not kidding when i say i sat on the floor of the station and started sobbing. then in the car my cousin gets a call from her friend and hes like "have u guys checked ur phones" and were like no and he tells us speak now tv is coming out july 7 and me my cousins friend and my cousin screamed and almost made my uncle crash his car, mind you my cousin and her friend are both in uni and im obviously not. i also lost my voice the next day not from screaming the actual sabrina songs but from atwtmv before the show started (im sure sabrina was a contributing factor) we ended up meeting nadia yk the concert girl and bludetiger and also my cousins almost bf who literally laughed at me when he walked up since i had sobbed off all my makeup BEFORE the show even started. it was quite an emotional day but 10/10 do recommend anyways SPEAK NOW TAYLORS VERSION DIKDKSKSKS if u cant tell its literally my favourite album.

also sorry for the leave of absence and shitty update have literally been drowning for the past month updates soon xx

k, bye i love u -DARCYSBITCH