These High Walls

Chapter 17

Harry's P.O.V

What did I do?

Why did I do that?

What's happening with me?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm sitting on the floor in my bathroom and I can't stop thinking about what just happened. I can't wrap my head around it. Without thinking about what I'm going to say, I walk to Zayn's room. I know that he would never judge me and he's a good listener. Plus, it's more likely that he is still awake since he likes to paint during the night. He always says that he's more creative then.

"Hey", I say while entering. I see Zayn sitting at his desk, sketching, just like I thought.

"Hey, why are you up? Something on your mind?" He immediately worries, knowing I normally don't walk around during the night.

"Yeah, I want to ask you something", I try not to be too obvious and ask, "What if I hurt Louis again?"

"You won't, you have to trust yourself. I see how much you improved over the last two months and it's rather extraordinary. I see how Louis motivates you and supports you in everything."

"But what if I do, hurt him?"

"Then there would be a good reason for you to lose control and we wouldn't be mad. Louis would understand."

"This is ridiculous, but I think ... I just had this feeling and I don't know what it is. It's weird. I'm confused. We were standing and I was finally free from the constant tension in my muscles, but I walked away. What does that mean?"

"'We' as in you and Louis, right?"

"Yeah?"

"What happened exactly?"

"He talked about him not being allowed to touch me and then he did and it felt amazing and perfect. But then I got this feeling and I walked away. I shouldn't have, he now probably hates me."

"Okay. Explain that feeling that you got."

"Well, I looked him in the eyes and he had this glint in his eyes. I felt warmth everywhere and the urge to never let go of his hands. But then I also had the urge to ... kiss him and that's so dumb because I would definitely kill him so I ran instead."

"Is it possible you like him in a more than friends way?"

"No," I quickly say, but then I think about it, "maybe?"

Before Zayn can react, I add: "But that doesn't matter, because he definitely doesn't like me. Even if he does, I can't act on my feelings, that will only get him killed and I would never forgive myself. So, I must forget him."

"Yeah, suppressing your feelings is always the best idea for you. Why can't you just allow yourself this one thing? I'm sure you can find an arrangement together where nobody will be killed." Zayn suggests softly, standing up.

"You don't understand, none of you do." I snap. I know Zayn's only trying to help him, but I feel so lost. 

"Then help us understand. We've been living together for years and you never tell us anything about yourself. How are we supposed to help you?"

"Help me? I don't need your help. I'm a grown adult, I can make my own decisions. You don't have to know my life story, that's none of your business! Why can't you just leave me alone!" I yell loudly.

"You came to me, remember."

"Yes, I came to you for some advice from a friend, but I guess you're not my friend! You never were! You are just trying to get into my head so that you can manipulate me and afterward blame everything on me! I should've known you're no different than anyone else on this stupid planet!" I yell with all my strength.

I see Niall, Liam, and even Louis standing by the door and watching me with wide eyes. I look back at Zayn and I can see that my words hurt him, I immediately regret everything I said. I move forward to give him a hug and tell him how sorry I am, but he steps back and whispers: "Is that really what you think we're doing, manipulating you?"

I shake my head because I know that's not true at all: "No, I don't think that. I'm sorry."

He opens his arms to hug me and I hug him back. We both start crying harder. For a second I want to apologize for crying on his shirt, but I know he doesn't mind plus he's doing the exact same thing on my shirt.

After a while, Liam clears his throat to get our attention and we both snap out of our misery.

"Can we join?" Niall asks.

"Sure."

Liam and Niall run into the room and join the hug quickly, but Louis hesitates. I nod, forgetting all about my great plan and he joins us too. Together we squeeze each other and cry until we all fall asleep on the floor. Our bodies tangled together.

When I wake up, I see that Zayn is already painting quietly on the other side of the room and Liam is nowhere in sight, though I can hear the shower. I look outside and see it's early in the morning. I stand up and carefully lay Louis' and Niall's bodies on Zayn's king-sized bed. Niall usually sleeps the longest of us and I'm quite sure Louis will be sleeping for a while since he was very tired yesterday. I tuck them both in and they immediately snuggle closer to each other. I must say I feel a bit jealous at the sight, apparently, Zayn saw it on my face because he begins to chuckle. I gesture to him to be quiet and as a response, he shakes his head.

I leave the room and walk downstairs to the kitchen, I want to try to make a delicious breakfast for Louis and since he will be sleeping for a while I can put a lot of effort into it. I decide to make an omelet with bacon and granola with some sliced fruits.

While I'm busy making breakfast Liam enters the room.

"Have you bought new shampoo, it smells different?" I ask.

"Yes, I think this shampoo smells better. Maybe you can use it too, to impress Louis." He says with a grin.

"Haha, very funny. Did Zayn tell you everything?"

"Yes, but he didn't have to, I had my suspicions."

"Seriously Zayn, that was a private conversation," I say, knowing Zayn can hear me from his room.

"Yeah? It was? Well, then maybe you shouldn't have yelled for the whole country." I can hear him whispering so that he doesn't wake the others.

I immediately start to think back to the night before: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't even have said anything I yelled.

"You don't have to apologize, we all have our rough times from time to time," Liam says from behind me. He joins me in cutting the fruits in silence. When I'm done cutting the bananas I take a slice and put it in my mouth. I sigh at the new taste. It's been so long since I have eaten something apart from meat. I quickly eat another one, focusing on the taste of it.

"I think you should stop eating the bananas, soon there will be none left for Louis."

I laugh and stop eating the delicious fruit. When we're done cutting we move on to eggs and bacon. I decide to also make a cup of tea. At last, I pour some granola and milk into a bowl and put everything on a tray.

I hear Niall and Louis quietly conversing with each other so I go upstairs with the food.

"Hey, I made some breakfast, hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will."

We all take place on the bed and we start talking about funny things that happened in the past.