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iii. bargaining (part one)

▬▬▬▬▬▬ JEREMIAH ▬▬▬▬▬▬

I head back to our AirBnb after lunch, leaving the others to Shayla's meticulous plans. I sleep for an hour or two, only waking when Conrad and Steven come through the door yelling at each other, headed by an exasperated Nicole. When they see me sprawled out on the sofa, they pause. My friends, my brother, and they're looking at me like they don't know what to do with me. I do what I do best, and I put on a show. I leap up and help put away the beers they bought, wet with condensation, and the completely bizarre selection of groceries they picked up - cheese, tomatoes, pickles, tortillas, spreadable butter, bar nuts, and mango juice. I queue up music and Nicole and I sing karaoke along in the living room as Conrad tries to make something edible for dinner. Steven runs through outfits for us until he realises the 'advice' I'm giving him isn't serious and he tackles me, eventually getting Nicole to play a round of spit for him in a doomed attempt to regain his glory. The entire time I replay the lunch in my mind. Every word she said, and joke she made. The way I ignored everyone, and her face everytime I did. I want to erase it from my mind. Instead I pick tomatoes off of Conrad's cutting board and perform celebratory dances everytime Nicole clears Stephen at Spit. I steel my resolve to be normal. To pretend I am still the same. I don't want them to look at me like they did today ever again.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ BELLY ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Back in the hostel we cram ourselves into the space by the window, sipping still warm rosé we bought from a corner store on the way back from sightseeing. Cam's gone out to pick up dinner for us while we get ready to go out later. Steven has, of course, hijacked our plans again, so we're meeting them at a bar later for drinks on the beach, before we hit the clubs. Taylor's lounging on the bed in a towel, oversized sunglasses on as she blows at her fresh coat of sparkly blue nail polish and sings along to the music playing through the speaker. Shayla's in a robe, putting rollers in and she looks like a silver screen movie star prepping for a red carpet. I sit on the floor and sift through the clothes in my luggage for something to wear. Nothing feels right. Mostly it's something to do while a plan how to get out of this. I don't think I can see him again. I don't think he wants to see me again. It doesn't seem like he does, but I can't stand that thought. I pull out a sundress, white eyelets patterning the surface. I bought it at a boutique with my friends from college because it reminded me of Cousin's, but when I took it out back at my dorm it just reminded me of Susannah and I couldn't bear to look at it. I hated that I didn't like to think of her. When I packed I brought it so I could wear it, in a way, for her. She would've loved it. For a moment I wish she could see us, but then I think of Jere's face, and me and Steven arguing, and I don't anymore. Conrad, at least, seems happier. Brighter. Like he did before everything happened. It's nice to see him smile again. That would have made her happy.

"Belly?" Taylor strokes my hair. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I stuff the dress to the bottom of the bag. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Shayla shifts next to me so our shoulders are touching and rests her hand on my shoulder. "You've seemed a little off since lunch."

"Is it-" Taylor pauses. From the look on her face I can tell she doesn't want to say what she's going to say, and that I'm not going to like it much either. She tries again. "Is it Conrad? Seeing him with Nicole?"

"What? Nicole? No, it's kind of nice to see him smile again." I put on my best bright smile.

"Isabel." Shayla tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and I can tell from the looks on their faces they don't believe me. That they think I'm still in love with him or something. Like I'm pining after him. It feels like it might be easier to let them believe that, because to tell them it's not Conrad I'm worried about, turning over in my mind no matter how hard I try, but his brother, seems like confessing something much bigger. But they seem so worried.