invisible string

lost in the world

▬▬▬▬▬▬ JEREMIAH ▬▬▬▬▬▬

When I'm done packing, I cop a hangover to get out of Shayla's itinerary for our final day in Spain. I put on my headphones and clean up the flat while they're gone, checking off the list of things to do before we're gone. When I've cleared that distraction, I head to the nearest supermarket. I take as long as I can. I stop for a smoke on the corner and count how many seconds it takes me to finish it. I read every street sign I pass. I do anything I can to distract myself. I remind myself it's easier than seeing her. Then knowing what I'd done. Most of all I'm confused. She cared. Didn't she? She cared that I'd been kissing someone else. There's no way she felt that way about me. She never had. In the same way it had always been her for me, it was Conrad for her. I can't let myself believe I have a chance again, but I can't shake the feeling it might be true. I spend extra time wandering the supermarket aisles, trying to memorise the Spanish words for everything, checking every kind of bread to find the best one, dragging myself into a new distraction everytime I find myself thinking of her. It doesn't work. I find a pack of jelly beans at the checkout, and grab them too.

When I get back to the flat, I start on prepping the sandwiches for the train ride. Even if it's only sandwiches, I like being in the kitchen. I can focus. When my mum got sick, I would cook for her all the time. In the beginning she would sit at the kitchen table, we wouldn't even really talk, but it was nice. Towards the end, she stopped sitting with me in the kitchen, and then she stopped eating properly. But those first few months, she loved her movie nights. She would pick a theme, and we'd do back to back viewings. I would make our dinners based around the theme, and when I knew we wouldn't be doing them much longer I would dress up for them. For a moment, I can pretend she's right here, painting a watercolour at the table. Any minute, I'll start dicing onions and she'll cover her eyes and say "Oh, God. Please don't cut off your fingers." I'm so caught up in pretending the knife slips in my hand, nicking the pad of my index finger. She's not there to fuss over it, bandage it up. I can't roll my eyes and tell her I'm fine. I do it myself.

It's pretty much the same at the station. Belly sticks close to Taylor, though I can tell she's faking the tired act so she doesn't have to look at me. I tune out Connie and Nicole as they bicker over the best songs for their train travel playlist, but it's good to at least pretend I'm being part of the group. Even though she and Cam are deeply involved in making sure all our plans are in order, Shayla keeps looking over at me, like she's waiting for the right moment to pull me to the side. She knows. She knows how I feel, and I'm sure she knows about what went down last night. She's more observant than Steven is. I just pray I can avoid her for the train ride. There's no way I'll get the window seat from Cam, but I can pretend to be asleep. The last thing I want is to talk about it. We're past passport control and waiting for the platform to be announced. The overnight train is about ten hours. I can fake it for that long. If Shayla manages to corner me again, I don't know how I'll be able to keep pretending. I feel for my phone in my pocket and my hand brushes against the jelly beans. It sends a jolt through me.

"Jere?"

Cam is looking back at me as the others head off with the rucksacks bobbing, Shayla corralling them to the platform.

"Come on, dude." He waits for me as I pick up my rucksack, and when I reach him he tousles my hair and laughs, but it stops quickly. "Is everything okay?"

All of a sudden he's serious, in a way he rarely is. Worried. He keeps a hand on each of my shoulders and just fixes me with that look. I pull him into a hug. He's grown since that first summer, but he's still a little shorter than me, so I can give him a proper bear hug. For a moment I allow myself to really collapse into it. For one second, I let go. And then I pull myself together, and use the hug to lift Cam off the ground and shake him, only putting him down once he starts to laugh.

"Hey! Get a move on, love-birds!" Steven yells back at us, and without making eye contact, we're racing each other to get to the group first.

I feel a little more normal.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ BELLY ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

I hate how things are between us. I hate how we can't even pretend to be normal in front of each other. Nothing even happened. I never got to talk to him, to tell him what it was I had been about to say. There's no reason I should find anything wrong with him kissing somebody else. He's not my boyfriend. He doesn't even know how I feel about him. I don't even know how I feel about him. I only started to realise the edges of what it was I felt when I started to say it. I still don't know exactly what it is I feel, but if I could just talk to him I think I could figure it out. He's avoiding me, and I know it's because he doesn't want to hear it. That whatever it is I'm feeling, he doesn't. I guess, just as much, I'm avoiding him. I was so relieved when he didn't show up today with Nicole and the boys, but I spent the whole day missing him. I can't bring myself to look at him, but I still want to be near him. Even when things are so messy, I still want to be around him. It used to be that everything was easier when he was around. In some ways that's still true. But I don't think it'll ever be quite the same. I keep rerunning the events of the night over and over in my head, trying to figure out how it is he feels. There was a moment, out there in the street where it felt like he still wanted me. Loved me. Even though it's all in my head it feels so real. But I know it can't be.

Shayla taps on my shoulder, and I pull out my headphones, breaking the Jeremiah-spin of my thoughts. Jeremiah's standing above us, in the train aisle, holding out a sandwich. Shayla is already unwrapping hers, inspecting it. He's smiling, but it's not a real Jeremiah smile. He's trying so hard to make things normal, to smooth everything over, just like he always does. I do my best to match the effort.

"Pulled pork?" I force myself to look away, taking the sandwich from him and unwrapping it.

"I'm not Ramsey, Bells." He laughs.

It's only a small laugh, short and quiet. But it's a real laugh. Despite myself, I feel a sense of pride. That I could make him laugh. I smile, until I see the bandage on his hand. Before I can stop myself I'm reaching out to take his hand, inspecting it.

"It's just a little cut. Hazards of the kitchen." He says it nonchalantly, but his smile's gone, and he pulls his hand back, shoving it in the pocket of his hoodie.

I feel the weight of its absence in my chest, and look away. I look back, and he's gone, settling in next to Cam. When I look away from him Shayla's eyeing me.

"What?"

"Eat your sandwich." Shayla smiles and shakes her head. 

▬▬▬▬▬▬ JEREMIAH ▬▬▬▬▬▬

Cam is conked out, head pressed against the window in a way that is sure to give him neck pain when he wakes up. I take my hoodie off and empty out the pockets, my phone and the jelly beans, and check the time. 1:03 am. I'm too fired up to sleep. Too anxious. I ball up my hoodie and slide it under Cam's head, so he looks a little more comfortable, and check my phone again. 1:03am. I haven't even cheated time out of a minute. Normally when I can't sleep like this I go on runs. If I were in Cousins, I'd do a circuit, right down the beach and back until I was too tired to think straight. Here I'm stuck with my very active thoughts, and they can't seem to tire themselves out. It's suffocating. I play with the plastic wrap of the jelly beans, picking at the edges. I bought them for her. I couldn't help myself. I duck my head out into the aisle to make sure everyone's asleep, and then I get up, and head down towards her seat, moving as quietly as I can. I tuck the packet into the crook of her arms, like she's cradling it. Even sleeping, she has a faint crease between her eyebrows. I want to reach out and brush it away. She shifts slightly, and I start, but her face seems to relax a little, and she hugs the jelly beans closer to her, like a toy. When I'm back in my seat, I can finally sleep.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ BELLY ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

When I wake up, I'm hugging a, now slightly crushed, pack of jelly beans to my chest. I only release after I blink the sleep out of my eyes, that it wasn't there when I fell asleep. I check on Shayla, but she's still asleep, and then I duck my head out into the aisle. I'm the only one awake. I tuck the packet into my pocket, and try to go back to sleep.