invisible string

iv. envy

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@bellserina

hnnghph i messdwd uo

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ BELLY ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

I sit back down on the curb with Conrad. He seems nervous, and I don't think I've ever noticed him like that before. It's rubbing off on me.

"Hey, you good?" I bump my shoulder into his, striving for a little levity.

"I just," he pauses and buries his face in his hands. "I don't know how to do this."

The nerves are in full effect now. I don't think I can handle two Fisher Brother heart to hearts back to back. I've never had to.

"It's okay," and I hope I sound a little more sober than I am, "Just talk when you're ready."

He looks up at me and smiles, and there's an old familiar affection for him. For the girl I used to be, the one who would've done anything to get one of those smiles. It strikes me how different he is now. How together. I know from my mother he's pre-med at Stanford, but seeing him so himself again is weird. It feels like going back in time, only now there's no urge to reach out and run a hand through the soft waves of his hair. It's easy. It's comfortable. It's never been like this before, and I think that's the only thing that stops me from convincing myself we're all little kids back in Cousins for the summer again.

He takes a few more deep breaths and keeps his eyes focussed away from me, and then he starts.

"I'm sorry. For everything that happened, and how it happened. It-"

"Conrad, no-"

"No. Belly, I am, okay? And I should be. I'm not saying things weren't fucked for me, but there's a lot I wish I could take back. Make it right."

I reach out my hand and force him to look at me.

"Conrad. It's okay. You're forgiven."

And he smiles.

I force a smile back, only a part of me is screaming. As long as I waited for this moment, to make things right with Conrad, to have him finally let me in, I just want to find Jeremiah. He's who I want to make things right with. But this feels important too, so I give his hand a squeeze, and he helps me up off the curb.

"You coming back in?" He smiles, two stepping slightly, and at that I can't help but laugh.

"In a minute!" I call after him, and he nods and heads into the club.

The second he disappears inside I pull out my phone to text Jeremiah. My hands are shaking, and I have to retype the message twice just to get it somewhat close to legible. I hit send and wait. I wait a minute for a reply, but none comes. I twist my hair around my finger and pace the outside of the club. I should call him. I'll call him.

Dial tone after dial tone, and finally voicemail. I don't bother. I hang up and text again.

belly🪸

jere come back please can we talk

i'm coming to find u

I hit send and I head back into the club. Before I hit the stairs I double back and order a shot, for courage. I'll need it. I could have used it earlier. I slam the glass back on the table and try to shake the nerves off with the taste of the tequila, and then I'm heading down the stairs. The magical mirror effect of the staircase was pretty when I was only a few drinks in but now it's fucking irritating. I trip twice, and bash into my reflection, and when I finally come out of the cavern of reflections it takes a moment to adjust to the lights and the noise. I give myself a moment to steady myself and the. head into the crowds, looking for Jeremiah. The shot was maybe not so good of an idea. It's hot and sweaty and loud and I can't make out any of the faces around me, until a cool hand grabs mine. Taylor.

"Belly!" She squeals as I try to disentangle myself from our hug while keeping the both of us steady.

"Taylor! I need your help. Do you know where Jeremiah is?" I hold her shoulders, and try to keep her focus as we're jostled by the dancers around us.

"I don't think Jeremiah knows where he is," she leans in close to me, conspiratorially, but she's almost shouting over the noise.

"What? Taylor, where is he?" The crowd breaks us apart and I'm lost again, tumbling. Someone shoves me and I fall back into the crowd, almost twisting my ankle. The shot was definitely not a good idea. The room is spinning and as much as I know I need to get up and out of the mash of people threatening to break my foot, I can't get my bearings.

"Belly?"

I can't tell where the voice is coming from but it echoes, getting louder.

"Belly!" Someone pulls me up from the floor, and drapes my arms over theirs, supporting my weight. I recognise the smell of his shampoo. Asian pears.

"Jeremiah! I was looking for you!" I try to pull away so I can look at him. I need to talk to him. I need to explain.

His face is marked with lipstick and glitter, trails of it running down his neck. I feel sick. I got it wrong. How could I have gotten it so wrong. I can't stop staring at the smudges of red and sparkles, and he notices. He lifts a hand to his face as if to wipe them away and I feel like I'm falling. Probably, because without both of his hands there to steady me, I'm toppling to the side like a sad tree. He catches me weight, and even though I'm steady I still feel like I'm falling. The lights and the noise are so bright and so loud and I'm hot and I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to be here. I can't. I pull myself away from him and run straight for the stairs, smack into Steven.

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ok more angst i'm sorry!!

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