Phantom ~ [Simon Ghost Riley]

XXIII. A thousand pieces

The water feels warm and soothing as it cascades down my body, washing away all of my stress. I breathe in deeply, letting the steam engulf my senses. The world fades away, leaving me with just the sound of water and my own thoughts.

I reach for my shampoo and start massaging it into my hair, letting my mind wander. But then, out of nowhere, a memory rises from the depths of my subconscious. It's a memory of my brother and the day that changed my life forever.

My heart tightens as if I am reliving the moment all over again. I can see the image of my brother lying still and lifeless on the ground flashing before my eyes. His accident still feels so fresh, even though it happened so many years ago.

Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over. The water streaming on my face pulls the tears with it, flowing down my face and landing somewhere in between the mass of water drops. I stand there, sobbing silently, letting the water wash over me.

For a moment, I feel defeated. The weight of the memory is too much to bear, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to forget. I turn off the shower, more tears immediately pooling in the corners of my eyes. I press my hand over my mouth, sobbing silently, though desperate to make it stop.

You see, it's a funny thing, grief.

One day I feel as though I could take on the whole world with the strength of my brother in the back of my head. On other days, I feel weak. Weaker than I ever was before his accident. I had been to therapy so many times before, and at one point it seemed that I was doing okay. It took me all my strength to be able to join the defense, though at some point I found a sense of comfort in it.

Currently, it feels as if something has resurfaced. Flashbacks of the accident have been more prominent lately, and I have no idea how come.

I won't let his death consume me once again. I can't. He wouldn't have wanted that. In fact, I think he's yelling at me from above. Screaming at me to get my shit together.

Taking a deep breath, I step out of the shower. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I immediately look away. This is the one version of myself I absolutely despise.

As I dress, I make a silent vow to myself. I'll live my life to the fullest, not just for myself, but for my brother too. I'll honor his memory, but I won't let it hold me back.

I step out of the bathroom, holding a pile of clothes in my arms when Soap passes me in the hallway. He looks at me once, and I'm guessing my eyes tell on me.

His expression drops, his eyes full of concern.

"What's wrong, love?" he immediately steps towards me, holding out both of his arms. His voice is soft, full of care, and genuine concern.

My breath hitches and I don't say a word. I can't. If I do, I'll break down all over again.

Soap simply holds me, his thumbs softly gliding over my back in an attempt to comfort me.

"My-" I start speaking, though I have to take another deep breath to steady myself. "My brother had an accident when we were kids. We were swimming one day and I wasn't paying enough attention to him. When he got out of the lake, he looked pale. His skin was nearly white... He had a cardiac arrest. It was my fault. If I had noticed earlier I could ha-"

"-Don't do that, love. Don't," Soap interrupts my rambling as he places his chin on my head. "That's not your fault. It never was."

I stop talking, gathering myself in his grip as his thumb continues to glide over the skin of my back.

"Thank you for telling me," he says. I can feel the movement of his jaw on the top of my skull. "I'm here for you. Always."

~