Home is wherever i'm with you

Kiss me twice 'cause its gonna be alright

Carina got to work on Saturday. Travis and Emmet had the Meena and Louise and Kathrine had Ellie. Maya was home, she was feeling very good and she didn't throw up anymore, so Carina had left her alone. Carina herself however had not slept last night. She had a habit of taking her anxiety meds at night and so when she raised her dosage to 1,5mg last night, she didn't do so well during the night. That is how it often is with mental health meds. You take them and you are fine you raise them and you aren't anymore. Carina had spent the greater part of the night throwing up in the bathroom. She had however stoped around 4 am and gotten about two hours of sleep before she needed to get ready for the day.

"You don't look so well." Amelia said. "I am not. I spent the greater part of the night throwing up, because i didn't do well on my last anti-anxiety meds raise." "I am sorry. Why don't you go home and rest?" "No. I already have so many sickdays because of Maya and myself before Christmas. I just..." Amelia warpped Carina in a hug. "I am struggling, Amelia." "How?" "Eating is okay. I am still not hungry, but i am not gaging infront of my food anymore. But i can't sleep and if i do i get terrible nightmares." "I am so sorry. But i really think you should talk to your wife about this." Carina sighed. "She is already suffering. She doesn't need my struggles too." "She does. She does need to know how you are feeling. How this affects you." "Maybe you are right." "I am always right. Most of the time." Amelia said and corrected herself.

Carina came home Sunday morning to Maya sitting on the sofa with Andy, researching something on their laptops. The girls weren't there so Carina assumed they were in the playroom or their bedroom.
"Hey." Maya said, as Carina came over to them. She looked beyond exhausted. "Oh, my love. You didn't get any sleep, did you?" "Mhm. Maybe an hour." Carina groaned and cuddled into Maya. "Bambina, can we talk?" "Always, my love." Andy closed her laptop." I am going to check on the girls." Maya nodded and put her own Laptop away. "Carina, talk to me." Maya rubbed her sleepy wifes back. "I am struggling. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I feel like i am failing you and if i go away i get panikattacks, because i feel like when i am not seeing you, something happens and i feel so guilty. I feel like if someone deserved something like this its me and i am so sorry, i didn't see how sick you were.." Maya stopped Carina with a kiss. "Hey. Hey." She said as Carina cryed. "None of this is your fault. I am not blaming you or anyone. This is not fair and not right, but so is life. How are you doing on your medication raise? I am sorry i haven't asked yet." "No, Bambina you need to focus on getting better." "I need you to be healthy aswell. And i want to know if something is bothering you. How are the meds?" "Not so good. It was good. I raised to 1,1 and 1,3 and friday to 1,5. I threw everything up. Yesterday aswell. I need to call my doctor tomorrow. If it is the same tonight. I am so tired, bambina." "Why didn't you wake me?" "You need sleep. I don't want to deduct from the little sleep you are getting." "But i want to be up with you, like you are up with me. Your mental disease is not less worthy of care than my physical disease." Carina nodded. "Can we go to sleep? I need sleep, but i am scared of nightmares and i could use a hug." "Yes. Absolutly. I could use i nap, too." "Did you not sleep well?" "Hm..Louise joined me in the middle of the night, she was very fussy and dreaming." "Poor baby." Carina frowned. "Yeah. I hate that this is part of them growing up." "Yeah. I talked to Ellies one-on-one on friday. Ellie seems to have latched on that something is up. She is getting frustrated easily and stopped doing things independently that she was already able to do." "I feel so bad. She already has it so hard." Maya sighed. She never knew what the best way to care for her youngest was. "The best thing we can do, is to support them and be their for them and make sure they know they are loved and none of this is their fault." Carina nodded. "I hope Nina is okay." Maya added. "She isn't really talking to us about her feelings anymore." "I know, but we see her on friday. I hope we can let her know, that we are still her parents and no matter what we are going through, we will always want to know how she is doing." Carina helped Maya get up. "Just like i want Nina to confide in us, i want you to confide in me. Okay. I care and you don't have to do it alone." Carina pulled Maya in a hug. "Thank you."

Carina didn't do well the following night, but Maya rubbing her back helped her a lot atleast mentaly.

Monday Maya got another test and fortunatly everything was fine. She got to go home early and because she felt great, she prepared the girls some extra lunch and snacks for their trip to the museum the next day with school.
Carina had an appointment with her psychiatrist. They decided to go back to the 1,3 and add a anti-depressant, that was supposed to be anxiety-resolving aswell.

Tuesday and Wednesday went okay aswell, eventhough Maya did have to throw up a lot on tuesday, which made her very weak and frustrated. Carina had been doing so well that on Wednesday, Amelia decided to get the tube out. She was extremely exited to get it out and not get a new one in. "Okay. Are you ready, Carina hopefully the last time." Carina nodded. Amelia pulled and Carina gaged and had to concentrate really hard. Amelia pressed Carinas nose close and discarded the tube. "You're welcome." She said as Carina caught her breath. "You did great, my love." After that they went back down to oncology, because Maya needed some fluids and some blood. The vitals being not that well.

On Wednesday evening Carina came to the bathroom to Maya staring at herself in the mirror. She felt beyond selfconsious. "I look horrible." "No. Bambina, you are so pretty." "My cheaks are puffy and my eyes have bags under. I am starting to loose my hair." She lifted her hand to her hair and ran it through. When she lifted it to show Carina, strands of it hung of her hand. "Oh, Bambina." Carina pulled her in a hug.

"Can you brush it out?" Maya asked. Carina nodded. She made Maya sit on a stool and brushed through the blonde locks. Piles and piles of hair fell to the floor. When she was done, Maya rubed over the rest. "Its horrible." "Would you like to cut the rest aswell?" Maya nodded. "I am going to loose them eventually, just get it over with." Carina got a shaver and ran it over Mayas head. Soon she was bold and it looked at least a little better than with the remaining hair. "Sorry." Carina said as she saw Maya look in the mirror. "But i still think, you are the most beautiful person on this world." "Thank you." Carina hugged Maya and kissed her forehead. "You can see my scar. From the bad concussion. It wasn't visable with my hair, but now it is so prominent." "Just another prove that you are a fighter. You look badass, maybe cancer gets scared of you." Maya laughes and enjoyed Carinas embrace.

Carina decided to let Maya sleep in in the morning. She needed all the sleep she could get even if it was just another half an hour. She got the girls ready and sat them down for breakfast.
"Girls. Do you remember i told you the medicine mommy gets to get all better, is making her throw up so much?" "I remember. But i don't get it. Medicine makes you healthy not sick." Louise said. "That is right with some medicine. The special medicine mommy needs is fighting what makes Mommy sick." "The cancer in her spine." Louise was so smart. "Yes." Carina was amazed by the 6 year old. "The medicine unfortunatly doesn't know what to fight and it also fights the healthy part of your body." "And it makes mommy throw up." Meena added. "Right." "Mommy is sick." Ellie stated. "Yes. She is. And the medicine does other things too. It makes you loose your hair." "All of the hair?" Louise said and touched her head. Carina nodded. "All hair. Mommy lost most of her hair last night and we cut the rest, so now she has no hair." "I don't know how Mommy looks with no hair." Meena said and scooped up more porrige. "I will go wake her. But i need you to be very nice. Maybe say nothing or give her a hug and a kiss." "Okay, Mamma." Louise said.

Carina woke Maya and they got dressed and went downstairs.
"Good morning, girls." Maya said. She had a woolhat on her head and sat down next to her daughters. "Mommy. You lost your hair, can i see?" Meena said. "I told them." Carina said as Maya looked confused. "Sure." Maya said and took her hat off. "Looks great mommy." Louise said. "You look like a warrior." "How do you even know this word?" Maya askes Louise. "My teacher said it. I was sad and she helped me take deep breaths and told me you are a warrior and you will do anything to defeat the cancer." "That is really nice, ladybug." Maya was moved.
She helped Ellie with the last spoonfulls and Ellie rubbed over Mayas bold head. "Cool." She said and Maya laughed.

An: I have had another flare up from my chronic illness. I only have two more chapters preped. So i don't know if i'll be able to post every day, like i have now. I am still very excited about this story, but i also have some ideas for a new story. I just need to be well enough to write more again.