In Our Similarities, Our Differences Were Glaring

Her Side

Lost in understanding, I might have ultimately cut the tie, but you easily could've untied the knot, so don't we both have to take equal blame for how it ended? I know you now question my intentions, but you truly had all my attention, so I hope you know my true intention was never to hurt you.

Maybe I wasn't ready to be loved by you which would mean I wasn't ready to love you not to any fault of yours you were what I needed to be reminded how it felt when someone reciprocated all the effort I'd committed. You were special, you are special, and whoever you end up with will be blessed to know that they've found someone whose loyalty they'd never have to question. I was so focused on my sobriety that I couldn't taste and experience the type of affection you were willing to pour into me. What I miss most is our intimacy. How you made time stand still when you held me. I crumbled in your arms and gasped for air, not because I was suffocating but because I wanted more of you. Skin to skin and yet still not enough.

Our friendship meant everything to me and getting into a relationship with you even more so, so when you asked me on that date I had no idea what to expect I knew we were close and that our conversations had become more than just friends checking up on one another and it made me reminisce on our high school days when you had no idea that I was the one that initially tried to make the first move. I said yes hesitantly because I wanted to focus on myself this year. Certain aspects of my life, you were not privy to had made want to self isolate and yet here you were pursuing me.

I said I'd be late wanting to make a good impression. I had to do my hair first. "Five minutes," I texted nervously, typing because my excitement in seeing you was hard to hide, but my anxiety in if we would vibe being ever present. I walked in, and there you were, handsome but nervous anxiously waiting. "Is this for me, I thought," a fresh fade I see, and suddenly I realised I just looked in the eyes of someone I've been so closed too your importance in my life becoming clearer and clearer the longer our conversation went. This felt new and scary. Hopefully, my self sabotaging tendencies don't creep in I really would like this to work even though being pursued by you wasn't on my wishlist I made this clear brought up the matter but our chemistry and your charm convinced me that it wouldn't even matter, I was smitten.

You asked me for an opportunity, and with me trusting you, I'll allow you the chance to convince me that you're not like the man before you. Your words felt true. "Don't break my heart, Ludger, I asked you, and did you have a poetic way to answer?" The only thing I'm planning on breaking is the walls you've built up."

Your reputation precedes you some say you're a player others say you're just a simp I'll decide for myself what these assumptions really mean I can't let external opinions factor in to what we could potentially be.

Hours are passing by. I need to return home, but your kisses have a way of making me hesitant to even bring up the idea, but you're respectful, and in doing so, I asked if you could take me home you opened the car door for me to climb in nice to see chivalry is not dead.

We arrived safely a kiss and wave goodbye to commissarate the nicest date I've been on in a long time. In my tipsy state, I couldn't help but picture a future I know too abrupt. I couldn't sleep thoughts of you had me romanticizing, so I texted you, "Are you home safe?" I hope you replied because I wanted to discuss what just took place. I saw you. Did you see me? One of the many questions
I wanted to answer, but at that time of night, and considering we were both a few drinks in, you thought it best to continue the conversation in the morning.

I boldly texted first. I hoped you'd appreciate the gesture me as a woman applying pressure. You wanted to meet again an ice cream date you said we could take a walk after.

I assumed you, being the romantic you are, you'd want to hold my hand, and although public displays of affection aren't my thing for you, I'd compromise. I want this to work be more open and not be afraid to get hurt , trust that you are the man you claim to be and that this feeling I feel when I'm with you carries me through the self sabotaging tendencies my relationships always tend to lean too.

I mentioned before how I wanted to take things slow my past trauma has taught me to not rush in to boldly but here I am finding myself circling my house with you walking hand in hand as our conversations make time feel irrelevant. Sealed with a kiss and a wave goodbye, another sweet encounter ended till next time. You kept the excitement coming with the dates that followed after I've never been so spoiled, and yet the thought that would end in disaster still clouded my mind.

We became official. I could finally say that I was your girl.

You invited me over to spend the night I took time to answer you because I knew being alone with you would lead to something and before I spent an hour over one thing lead to another and I was under your covers the next morning. The first time I was with a man and intimacy was more important than the penetration slow strokes and caresses, soft whispers mixed with time and affection me pleasing you and you pleasing me was all I could ask for. This felt too good to be true.

A part of my soul would always stay with you, and I'm proud of that because I knew it's in safe hands.

We now play the role of boyfriend and girlfriend, something I still had to get used to, I struggle with accountability to quick to be passive to the things I put you through communication is a trait I lacked in my last relationship and I was fearful it would return in this one. I tried trust me I tried, but running from my problems is a trauma response I've mastered. Enter my ex into the picture, trying to get me back with constant calls and painting you as the villain you could never be often times because we weren't speaking. I'd entertain the conversation until, as per your request, I blocked him. I would've done so eventually, but you didn't believe me.

In a relationship so new, this couldn't be good. We decided to address our problems because you believed conflict wasn't a sign to end it empathized that because we come from different backgrounds, most of our differences could be solved. I wish I shared the same sentiment.

Ludger, I didn't tell you how much baggage I carried into this relationship my own personal trauma coupled with trying to be a better person. How could I knowingly put that burden on your shoulders. I realise that in trying to allow you room to love me, I delayed my healing to try and love myself.

I sent the text to confirm the split a short and sweet end to a part of my life I'll always carry with me. I don't think you'll ever understand just how much you meant to me.