yes to heaven - xiaoven ↲⠀✔️⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀

ii. the wind rises

scaramouche
—

ama me, quia praeponderat amor mortalitatem meam.
mater, quare me dereliquisti? quinquies tantum fractus eram.
delicta mea aggravat animam meam, suffocans vitam de vase meo.
spectent miserae figurae caelestes, ridentes exhalatas thronis.
utinam numquam natus sit.

[love me, because my love outweighs my mortality.
mother, why did you leave me? i was only broken five times.
my sins weigh upon my soul, suffocating the life out of my vessel.
the heavenly figures gaze upon my wretched figure, laughing at me from their exalted thrones.
i wish i'd never been born at all.]

— scaramouche
[the broken lover]

conventional wisdom holds that the concepts of cruelty and fairness can't rationally be comprehended by a child. i agree with the wisdom. a child's heart is golden, pure, and it is like a blank canvas. anything can be drawn on it. 

my canvas started out beautifully. dazzling meadows, and loving parents. i was a child of smiles, and raw emotion. i could've been something worth a seraph. 

but as i got older, the canvas's artists slowly stopped caring. the painting which once put the mona lisa to shame, got dirty paint poured all over it. the motivation to raise a child properly disappeared around the time i was nine. i was neglected, hated.

my biggest dream as a kid was to fly. to ride on the wind's song and feel free. look at me now. i'm not flying, i'm barely standing, i'm falling.

venti's brought home someone new - a green haired boy. kazuha and heizou are still asleep. it's the unholy hours of the morning after all.

a still sadness lingers in the new boy's golden eyes. years of suffering, i presume. and venti being with him means he was ready to end it all.

after i was raped, my mothers, yae miko and raiden ei, abandoned me. they thought of me as a disgrace, as a useless teenager, as a whore.

i had a boyfriend then. his name was tartaglia. i called him ajax, his true name. he was the only one who accepted me then, after i had been stripped of my virginity. but he too left, eventually. it wasn't personal. his family was in shambles after his parents died - he moved somewhere else.

i cam across venti on the same bridge i'm assuming the new boy was found on. suicide was an ongoing debate in my always changing mind. thankfully, venti dragged me away before i could do anything.

"venti, who is this?" i inquire.

"this is xiao. he nearly killed himself, i stopped him in time," venti explains, "can you take him with you? you know i have kazuha and heizou in my room already, i can't fit xiao in there as well, sorry."

"yeah sure," i nod, "i'm scaramouche." i notice venti's repetitive glances at xiao's face.

"i'm sorry for bothering you guys," xiao murmers in a soft voice, "it's too late in the night for this, i can go home."

venti looks up suddenly, aggressively shaking his head, "no, we can't let you leave in your state right now. it's too dangerous for you to go home, since i'm pretty sure whatever's there is what prompted you to go to the bridge anyway."

"you're not a burden. i understand your pain, i nearly committed as well. stay with us for a bit, maybe we can change your mind," i nod. xiao shyly looks up at me and mutters a soft "thank you".

i give him the extra bed in my room, but he doesn't lay down.

"how did venti get you?" xiao asks.

"my mothers disowned me after i was sexually assaulted."

xiao looks grimly up at me, "seems we had the same past."

"oh....how old were you?" he asks.

"eight."

"i was thirteen."

i study his face pale face. he seems older than me, though not much older. a year or two perhaps. heizou's the youngest of all of us, followed by kazuha, then me. venti is the oldest. he acts like a baby anyway.

"i'm sorry, for intruding upon your space. i should've died on that bridge. venti's appearance was an unknown catalyst," xiao shakes his head vigorously.

"stop. if there's anything i know, it's that you don't deserve to die. and no need to argue. i'll rip your head off and stitch it back on if i need to," i snap.

my tone startles him. "sorry in advance, for my angry or bitter voice. it's my nature. i'm not changing it."

"no, it's ok. i wish i had your conviction," xiao shakes his head, "i'm not supposed to be here anyway."

"how many times will it take for me to tell you that you don't deserve to fucking die?" i glare.

silence.

"well then, here's a reason, if you're not convinced. listen kid, i've been through three betrayals to learn that one reason not to commit suicide, is that your lover, your missing piece, is finally coming around the corner."