yes to heaven - xiaoven ↲⠀✔️⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀

x. even joy has a price

xiao
—

i wake up, and the screen of my phone reads "1 PM". the realization jolts me awake.

we were up until 6 this morning playing mario kart. scara ultimately won the entire tournament, aided with his various strings of curse words and insanely loud voice. we also chowed through about half of heizou's candy stash. it was very fun.

venti is lying next to me, along with kazuha and heizou. scara is spread out like a starfish on the middle of the floor, his foot is on top of kazuha's chest. 

"grrrrrr," scara grunts as he wakes up, "rise and shine, fucking rats."

kazuha and heizou stir as well, but venti stays sound asleep in his spot. 

"good morning everybody," heizou stretches.

"it's literally 1 in the afternoon."

"fuck."

"why wasn't i awaken," venti grumbles from the ground.

"we didn't know it was possible to wake you up," heizou shrugs.

"you sleep like donkey on cocaine," scara adds. i snicker at his statement, and he isn't wrong either.

"just a genuine question, are you and venti dating?" kazuha asks me. scara smirks at me from behind.

i can feel the embarrasment cross my face from his question. i guess we were pretty obvious, even beidou noticed.

"are we?" venti smiles up at me. i choke on my own spit : i'm not used to being put in the spotlight like this.

"i-i don-"

venti gets up, grabs my face and plants his lips into mine, taking me completely by surprise. i don't know how to react, so i just wrap my arms around his shoulders. this is the first time i've ever been kissed.

"y'all need to fucking stop, my virign eyes can't take watching two people making out in the span of less the 24 hours," scara rolls his eyes, before clapping. kazuha also starts clapping, and heizou whistles.

"so are we?" venti asks.

"hm," i blush a little, "i guess we are."

"you may now NOT kiss the groom, go brush your teeth and get ready for the day, hoes," scaramouche snaps, before flashing me a small thumbs up.

a look of discomfort flashes over venti's face, before he recomposes himself. scara stares at him for a second, as do i. this isn't normal.

"you good?"

"yeah i'm fine, just a little stomach ache from all that candy, most likely," venti laughs, "i'm definitely beating you in mario kart next time."

"keep dreaming."

we don't really do anything through the span of the afternoon, a lazy day at most after a very thrilling night. hangover but mario kart is the term to describe it. 

"hey guys, do you wanna drop by the cafe? we promised beidou yesterday," heizou asks.

"hm that's right, we did say we'd come by. it's about six right now, the cafe closes at ten, let's go," scara agrees. he pulls a windbreaker over his arms.

"hm sure. it's down the bridge anyway," kazuha says. we all put our jackets on before walking outside the door. 

i don't say anything, but i can see the distress in venti's face. it feels weird from him, because one, he's very good at concealing emotions, and two, there shouldn't be anything stressing him out right now. nothing's happened for any of us to be stressed.

kazuha and heizou are pretty far ahead already, they're both fast walkers. scaramouche has gotten caught up in bargaining with a street side vendor on getting some snow cones. venti and i are in the middle, hold hands peacefully.

"venti, what's wrong?" i ask. i hope he'll answer, especially since it's only us two that are in each other's hearing range. 

"nothing's wrong. i'm just a little sick, you know how it gets when i eat an entire cheesecake and a bunch of candy. sugar rush ride, honestly," venti brushes it off.

i can't help feel like he's lying, but i don't want to push it in. if he doesn't want to tell me, it's perfectly fine. we all have our secrets. i also don't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do. 

"hey xiao, take this," venti smiles. he hands me a beautiful charm, with crystals that reflect the dusk's sun. he holds one in his hand to show a matching green one, "as a symbol of our relationship. they're good luck charms."

i put mine in my pocket, and grin, " i love you."

"i love you more."

i look at the river flowing underneath us. it's funny how we first met here, and now it's where we're exchanging couple charms. it'll always be symbolic to me, the coincidences, and how time aligned perfectly for us to meet.

"i hate how this is going to sound, but i'm really glad you were on that bridge that day. if you weren't, we wouldn't be here, together," venti threads his fingers into mine.

i hear a loud string of curses in the back, and i giggle. scaramouche being scaramouche, as always. that snow cone guy is going to have to give up sooner or later anyway.

"of course. i'm glad you were there. i really don't know what i would've done without you, without any of the squad honestly," i gaze at the receeding sun, and the fluffy clouds. another good day.

"i lov-" he starts, before yelping in pain.

"venti, what wrong?" i cry.

"i love you xiao. i really do. please don't die over this," he grins at me with a sad look on his face from the ground. my eyes well up in tears. what's happening?

his eyes flutter shut, and his breathing becomes erratic. is he going into cardiac arrest? i thought his defibillator was working. 

"kazuha, heizou, scara, please anybody help!" i cry. kazuha and heizou turn around and start running when they see venti on the ground.

"bye, xiao, i love y-"

his breathing ceases, and his hand falls out of mine. i feel his grip lighten, and his skin turns much paler. 

no.

no.

this can't be.

i can't lose another one.

why can't i just be happy. 

why is it so hard to be loved.

the world hates me, really.

i feel something roll out of my pocket, and only turn in time to see the blue charm fall into the river. the one thing he trusted me with, the thing that symbolized our love, i've failed to keep it safe as well.

i should've realized when he was struggling this morning. i should've read between the lines and took him to the hospital. i'm so selfish, i'm a failure. i can't keep my own boyfriend from dying, what a useless thing i am.

my wailing only increases after that. it fills the air around the bridge, i'm so loud that beidou and yelan come over to see what's happened. scaramouche, kazuha, and heizou crouch down and start crying as well. scara lets out a short, pitiful scream, before coming to hug me. he was their friend as well. we've all lost something. we'll continue losing, because the universe hates us. it denounces us, and laughs at our faces. 

we are playthings for destiny. lab rats. all of the horrible things will be done to us, before going on to others. it's not fair. it never was. maybe it would've been better if i hadn't gone to the bridge after all. then i wouldn't have to suffer this pain.

when i met him, he was singing a song. i still remember the line. and i agree with it completely.

"sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all."