The Christmas Party

Empty Space

When I woke up, I reached for Jennie. I realized I was alone in my bed and the night rushed back to me. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt the tears spring forth before I had any control over myself. When I finally pushed myself out of bed, I looked at myself in the mirror: puffy, red eyes and and dark purple bags. I looked like shit, crying all night.

I sighed and walked to the kitchen, grabbed ice, and put it on my eyes. I realized I was up earlier than I needed to be because I was no longer under any obligation to bring Jennie coffee. The thought twisted my stomach and I felt the tears returning, but I commanded myself to stop crying. I had to go to work. I had to get it together.

I applied heavy makeup and although it didn't perfectly hide everything, it helped. I would just tell everyone I got back late last night from visiting family. No one was close enough to me to question it.

I walked into work and felt numb. I offered Jungkook a weak smile and wave. He smiled back and didn't seem to notice anything. I was grateful I'd never let myself get too close to my coworkers.

I sat in my desk and the first thing I saw were the pictures of Jennie and I. I wanted to throw them in my desk drawer because just seeing her face smiling at me was enough to knock the wind out of me. My chest ached with longing for her. I was still beyond confused about what happened, still trying to puzzle out what went wrong. She didn't text me last. There was no phone call. There was no explanation other than she needed space. Space from what?

God, what the hell did I do wrong?

I checked my phone obsessively throughout the day, hoping that I would receive a call or text from Jennie with some sort of explanation; I hoped desperately that she would call me and tell me she was stupid, she didn't know what she was thinking, that she wanted me to come over. I needed something, anything.

But she didn't. She was silent all day.

This was killing me. This was actually, physically, impairing my ability to function.

I moved through the day like a zombie, not really paying attention to anything. Time didn't seem to exist while my heart hammered with anxiety in my chest and my stomach kept twisting itself in knots. I didn't eat and I couldn't bring myself to drink coffee both because I felt like my heart might leap right out of my chest if I drank anything to wire me and because something as stupid as a cup of coffee reminded me of Jennie.

I wondered if I should have dropped her off a cup of coffee this morning anyway, to show her I still cared, that I would still be here, but ultimately decided against it. Jennie didn't want to see me. Jennie told me she wanted space; I couldn't violate her wishes, no matter how much I may want to.

I missed her. I missed her so much my chest ached and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I wasn't even myself anymore.

I stared idly at my computer screen for hours. I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to be working on. I didn't even have the energy to care how Soojoo bragged about the Master's project to anyone who would listen.

I glared at her. This was all her fault. If Soojoo hadn't been such a bitch and pushed me like she did I would have never asked Jennie out like that. We would have never hung out like we did. We would have never gotten close. I would have never fallen in love.

I looked between her and the photos of Jennie, the ones that continually broke my heart. I reached for them, my fingers gripping the first one we took together, the night I'd asked her to be my fake girlfriend. The beginning of falling in love with her.

Love.

We'd said we loved each other, didn't we? She told me she loved me. She told me she hadn't felt like this about anyone. She said we weren't moving too fast. She told me all of these things and she said them with such sincerity, such honesty, such passion that I believed her.