The Christmas Party

Room For You

I took Tuesday off too. I tried to tell myself to go into work, to just face the music because sitting at home wasn't going to solve any of my problems, but I just couldn't bring myself to show my face in the office or stare at those pictures of Jennie all day.

I hardly slept again, waking up every hour or so with my heart hammering so hard in my chest I felt like it could leap out of my throat at any moment. Each time I woke up, I reached for the side of the bed and the fracture in my heart grew wider when my hand met empty space.

At five am I gave up on sleeping and moved to the couch. I curled up under a blanket and watched The Office. By eleven I was starving. I didn't have any food in my fridge since I'd left for several days and I didn't feel like going to grocery store. I ordered a smoothie, something easy to get down, but even that was a challenge; my body was rejecting everything.

Hours wiled away on the couch. My phone buzzed here and there, always Taehyung. I ignored him. I couldn't talk to him. I had nothing to say. Your sister broke my heart?

I never thought about the implications of my relationship with Taehyung when I got involved with Jennie. I didn't consider what would happen with us when things with Jennie go south; it seemed too soon to be worrying about that; I was wrong, apparently.

I thought about Taehyung. I thought about what our friendship would look like after this. How long until I felt comfortable going over to his apartment? Would I ever? How long until I didn't feel like I'd been sucker punched at the sight or memory of Jennie? Would Taehyung just remind me of her? God. God this was complicated.

All of this thinking was getting me nowhere and it only served to make me depressed because all I could think about was Jennie. I tried to turn off my brain and focus on the The Office.

I had no idea what time it was until it was suddenly dark in my apartment. I felt pathetic. I was pathetic.

Still, all I could think about was her.

****

I made it into work Wednesday. Whatever Jungkook had told everyone seemed to help, because they all offered me sympathetic looks and kept their distance.

"Thank you," I said to Jungkook when I sat down.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"You look it."

"Thanks."

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks."

Soojoo kept her distance and I was happy for that, but I still had this small part of my pride that wouldn't let me stash those photos of Jennie in my desk even though it was painful to look at them. I didn't want Soojoo to know anything about Jennie and I. I didn't want her to suspect anything was wrong. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong and some small part of me felt that once I removed the photos it really was over.

I decided to stare at the pictures of us and expose myself to the pain, hoping to numb it. That's how I spent my entire eight hour day and by the end of it, looking at the pictures hurt just as much at the end of the day as they did at the beginning. I'd accomplished nothing.

When I got home I had a missed call from Taehyung. I supposed that because I had so many unanswered texts from him that he was resorting to calling me. I couldn't remember a time that we'd gone a day without texting, even if it was only to ask how our day was.

By the time I woke up Thursday morning, I had ten missed calls from him. But still, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone but Jungkook because he felt like the only safe person to speak to. Taehyung reminded me of Jennie and, at least for the time being, I couldn't separate the two and it was just too painful to speak to him.