Remedy

♡22♡

"I had and still have a crush on Felix, " Changbin admitted, leaning on the kitchen counter.

"WHAT? " nearly everyone stood there, jaws making out with the floor.

"Him and I used to date and one day, we got in a fight and I got drunk at a party I went to with the rest of 3racha and Han and I sort of... Well... Found each other. I think this was when he was struggling with his sexuality. After that, Felix found out when I came home with hickeys and he got really upset but Han and I blamed it on being drunk so he forgave us... But... It ended up happening again... And it was mutual. Han was really upset and I was really stressed out and we both needed a distraction. But it never went past that. But... Felix of course found out again and this time we broke up. Han felt really bad and so he tried to distance himself... Yeah... "

Felix felt his heart being ripped out at the meer memory. It still hurt, even after all those years. And although he was no longer head over heels for Changbin, the thought of what he had done was still beyond painful. Despite this, Felix had told and begged to convince himself that it was alright, that everything was fine.

But it truly wasn't.

At least, not in his mind.

Felix couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't pretend. He couldn't live behind this facade of smiles and joy when inside, he was lost. Felix no longer knew what he wanted in life.

How could he stay being happy when he didn't feel happiness? He was always told to smile, to act bright, that he was to play the role as a sunshine. But most of the time, all he saw was a black pit mere centimeters away. And he was teerering on the edge.

So he had to be happy.

At least for him.

Them.

His family.

Felix didn't understand Han Jisung. All Felix thought he knew was that he didn't care about him. Ever since that day, Han had been overly kind and loving towards the freckled boy. Felix could only assume he had been acting this entire time and finally had broken the act.

Felix knew that Han didn't love him as much as he showed. He imagined Han being alone and crossing Felix's face out on every picture and poster. Why else would he have done what he did?

At least, that was what Felix thought.

Standing there, fists balled, low sobs escaping, Felix was unaware of the panicked thoughts of the all-rounder.

♡

Han couldn't breath. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel. He couldn't see.

He suddenly didn't know where he was.

It was like waves that kept crashing, never stopping. It was dizzying, blinding, suffocating.

He was at a bottom of a whole, desperately searching for some sort of wall or leverage to make him sure that he was on planet earth.

But he couldn't

Feel.

It was all gone.

He searched for shelter, for Lee Know.

But he couldn't find it.

Images played in his head.

His past.

Years ago, before he debuted, was the beginning of Han's depression. He remembered when he suddenly didn't know who or what he was. He felt like a monster. And only one person was there for him.